1
00:00:15,537 --> 00:00:19,106
<i>Dear heavenly Father, Jim Dangle is a good fella.</i>

2
00:00:19,193 --> 00:00:21,369
<i>Please look after him tonight.</i>

3
00:00:21,456 --> 00:00:24,415
<i>Lord, please look after the lieutenant tonight.</i>

4
00:00:24,502 --> 00:00:26,765
<i>He's in a tough spot.</i>

5
00:00:26,852 --> 00:00:30,465
<i>God, please, when will I get my period?</i>

6
00:00:30,552 --> 00:00:32,075
<i>Oh, and if you get a minute,</i>

7
00:00:32,162 --> 00:00:33,555
<i>could you look after my friend Jim Dangle?</i>

8
00:00:33,642 --> 00:00:36,166
<i>He looks like he's kind of losing it.</i>

9
00:00:42,085 --> 00:00:44,348
Oh, Lord.

10
00:00:44,435 --> 00:00:45,610
What a year!

11
00:00:45,697 --> 00:00:47,395
I got weasel pox

12
00:00:47,482 --> 00:00:50,876
and then I got rebound weasel pox,

13
00:00:50,963 --> 00:00:54,402
and then I bought all that cryptocurrency

14
00:00:54,489 --> 00:00:57,622
because of that excellent commercial with Matt Damon.

15
00:00:57,709 --> 00:01:00,538
And then I finally got that

16
00:01:00,625 --> 00:01:02,888
Alanis Morissette tramp stamp that I wanted,

17
00:01:02,975 --> 00:01:04,934
and the guy spelled it...

18
00:01:05,021 --> 00:01:08,894
so close, but not-- not exactly right.

19
00:01:10,766 --> 00:01:12,072
Oh, hey, sir?

20
00:01:12,159 --> 00:01:13,856
Please don't fuck my bicycle.

21
00:01:13,943 --> 00:01:15,510
That's my bike that you're fucking, sir.

22
00:01:15,597 --> 00:01:17,338
Hey, sir? Sir?

23
00:01:17,425 --> 00:01:18,948
OK, guess what?

24
00:01:19,035 --> 00:01:21,690
Joke's on you, that bike seat has weasel pox on it.

25
00:01:21,777 --> 00:01:23,692
Oh, Lord.

26
00:01:23,779 --> 00:01:26,608
If there was ever a Christmas angel out there,

27
00:01:26,695 --> 00:01:28,044
I sure could use one tonight.

28
00:01:33,267 --> 00:01:34,703
- Bee! - Ahh! Oh, my God!

29
00:01:34,790 --> 00:01:36,226
Terry?

30
00:01:36,313 --> 00:01:37,271
No, it's a Christmas angel.

31
00:01:37,358 --> 00:01:39,795
It's Terry as a Christmas angel.

32
00:01:39,882 --> 00:01:40,970
Yeah, that's my name.

33
00:01:41,057 --> 00:01:42,102
- You got new skates. - Yeah.

34
00:01:42,189 --> 00:01:43,538
You put mistletoe on your--

35
00:01:43,625 --> 00:01:45,061
On my gennies.

36
00:01:45,148 --> 00:01:47,150
All the elves gather around, and then they rub it

37
00:01:47,237 --> 00:01:48,369
and then I make a candy cane

38
00:01:48,456 --> 00:01:50,066
and then snow comes out in their face.

39
00:01:50,153 --> 00:01:51,372
- Terry. - What?

40
00:01:51,459 --> 00:01:53,678
I'm just having the worst year ever.

41
00:01:53,765 --> 00:01:55,115
I hate to say this,

42
00:01:55,202 --> 00:01:56,159
but wouldn't the world be better

43
00:01:56,246 --> 00:01:58,335
if maybe I'd just never been born?

44
00:01:58,422 --> 00:02:00,598
How can you say that?

45
00:02:00,685 --> 00:02:02,774
I just did, with my mouth, out into your face.

46
00:02:02,861 --> 00:02:04,733
Lieutenant Dangle, do you want to see what Reno would

47
00:02:04,820 --> 00:02:06,822
be like if you were never born?

48
00:02:06,909 --> 00:02:08,084
Show me, Terry.

49
00:02:08,171 --> 00:02:09,694
What do I have to do?

50
00:02:09,781 --> 00:02:11,087
It's real simple.

51
00:02:11,174 --> 00:02:13,263
Just hold on to my jingle berries.

52
00:02:13,350 --> 00:02:14,656
Is this a--your trick-- no, this is a trick.

53
00:02:14,743 --> 00:02:15,831
No, it's not.

54
00:02:15,918 --> 00:02:17,528
OK.

55
00:02:17,615 --> 00:02:19,704
Where there's a will, there's a way.

56
00:02:21,967 --> 00:02:23,752
Oh, my gosh.

57
00:02:23,839 --> 00:02:25,623
Is that--no!

58
00:02:25,710 --> 00:02:27,016
Yes.

59
00:02:35,764 --> 00:02:36,852
Trudy?

60
00:02:36,939 --> 00:02:38,593
Yes.

61
00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:40,812
She's incomparable.

62
00:02:47,863 --> 00:02:49,038
Trudy!

63
00:02:49,125 --> 00:02:50,126
No, she can't hear you.

64
00:02:50,213 --> 00:02:51,823
Remember, you were never born.

65
00:02:54,261 --> 00:02:56,437
Is that Rizzo? Rizzo!

66
00:02:56,524 --> 00:02:57,960
Rizzo, It's Jim!

67
00:02:58,047 --> 00:02:58,700
He can't hear you.

68
00:02:58,787 --> 00:03:00,005
Oh, right.

69
00:03:07,883 --> 00:03:09,580
Not on my watch.

70
00:03:11,713 --> 00:03:13,410
Go!

71
00:03:13,497 --> 00:03:15,195
Yeah!

72
00:03:18,502 --> 00:03:20,156
Thank you, everyone!

73
00:03:20,243 --> 00:03:21,636
My name is Trudy Wiegel.

74
00:03:21,723 --> 00:03:23,768
I love each and every one of you!

75
00:03:26,075 --> 00:03:29,948
Let's see what Jones is like if you were never born.

76
00:03:30,035 --> 00:03:32,473
Show me no more!

77
00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:34,866
Show me no--

78
00:03:37,129 --> 00:03:39,001
Holy snot.

79
00:03:48,358 --> 00:03:52,536
Jones is the mother-effing Sunday front-of-house manager

80
00:03:52,623 --> 00:03:55,496
at the mother-effing Melting Crock?

81
00:03:57,324 --> 00:03:58,803
<i>- Oh, yeah.</i> - My God.

82
00:04:02,764 --> 00:04:04,809
Hot-cha.

83
00:04:07,856 --> 00:04:09,031
Yeah.

84
00:04:09,118 --> 00:04:11,163
Oh, my God. They love him so much.

85
00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,382
He's worshipped.

86
00:04:12,469 --> 00:04:14,776
All right, let's fon-do this!

87
00:04:16,995 --> 00:04:18,780
Where? Why?

88
00:04:18,867 --> 00:04:21,043
Is that Kimball?

89
00:04:21,130 --> 00:04:24,351
I would do literally anything if you would get us a table

90
00:04:24,438 --> 00:04:27,136
sooner than 45 minutes.

91
00:04:27,223 --> 00:04:30,966
Well, maybe I can accommodate you and your little pussy.

92
00:04:31,053 --> 00:04:34,622
Oh, there isn't a cat in this cat carrier.

93
00:04:34,709 --> 00:04:36,145
There's a snake.

94
00:04:36,232 --> 00:04:38,452
And I have a doctor's note that says I'm allowed

95
00:04:38,539 --> 00:04:40,802
to bring it into restaurants.

96
00:04:42,978 --> 00:04:45,197
Table's ready.

97
00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:47,896
Boy, it sure is.

98
00:04:47,983 --> 00:04:51,856
Kimball's hot, and she owns a snake?

99
00:04:51,943 --> 00:04:53,771
Yes.

100
00:04:53,858 --> 00:04:55,904
See, this is what their lives are like

101
00:04:55,991 --> 00:04:57,819
if you were never born and fucked everything up!

102
00:04:57,906 --> 00:04:58,646
No.

103
00:04:58,733 --> 00:05:00,169
No!

104
00:05:00,256 --> 00:05:01,562
Terry, don't show me any more.

105
00:05:01,649 --> 00:05:03,303
- Wait till we see Clemmy. - No!

106
00:05:03,390 --> 00:05:04,391
- And this time-- - No!

107
00:05:04,478 --> 00:05:06,828
- Brace yourself. - No.

108
00:05:08,264 --> 00:05:10,919
No!

109
00:05:11,006 --> 00:05:12,660
No.

110
00:05:12,747 --> 00:05:13,704
No!

111
00:05:16,228 --> 00:05:17,491
Terry, no!

112
00:05:17,578 --> 00:05:18,927
Not Clementine!

113
00:05:19,014 --> 00:05:20,145
It's real!

114
00:05:20,232 --> 00:05:21,886
She was the only photogenic one!

115
00:05:21,973 --> 00:05:25,020
And she also owes me $1,500 for spray tan sessions

116
00:05:25,107 --> 00:05:26,282
that we were going to split, and then she was like,

117
00:05:26,369 --> 00:05:27,457
I'll use half and you use half.

118
00:05:27,544 --> 00:05:29,154
No, Terry, no!

119
00:05:29,241 --> 00:05:29,981
Yes, look at her.

120
00:05:32,941 --> 00:05:35,552
And that's how elegant you would look in this,

121
00:05:35,639 --> 00:05:38,163
the Cadillac of all coffins.

122
00:05:38,250 --> 00:05:40,949
Did I mention it has Bluetooth in case you're buried alive

123
00:05:41,036 --> 00:05:42,603
and want to talk to someone about it,

124
00:05:42,690 --> 00:05:44,213
or listen to a podcast?

125
00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:45,519
Hi, Clemmy!

126
00:05:45,606 --> 00:05:46,868
She can't hear you, remember?

127
00:05:46,955 --> 00:05:49,044
I've told you that. - Sounds expensive.

128
00:05:49,131 --> 00:05:51,829
Maybe you've seen my brand new Suzuki Outback

129
00:05:51,916 --> 00:05:54,223
with optional roof rack outside.

130
00:05:54,310 --> 00:05:55,703
You're rich, bitch.

131
00:05:55,790 --> 00:05:58,053
I'm the best coffin salesman in the Sierras.

132
00:05:58,140 --> 00:05:59,663
I know that's right.

133
00:05:59,750 --> 00:06:03,058
For some reason, all my husbands keep dying.

134
00:06:03,145 --> 00:06:04,451
Wah, wah.

135
00:06:04,538 --> 00:06:06,104
I'm sorry for your loss.

136
00:06:10,108 --> 00:06:11,371
Oh!

137
00:06:11,458 --> 00:06:12,850
You know what I really want to do right now?

138
00:06:12,937 --> 00:06:14,548
What?

139
00:06:14,635 --> 00:06:17,072
Listen to the Chipmunks' "Greatest Hits"

140
00:06:17,159 --> 00:06:18,813
and go pee on Terry.

141
00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:21,859
I would love to pee on Terry and listen to the Chipmunks.

142
00:06:34,568 --> 00:06:36,744
Alvin. Simon.

143
00:06:36,831 --> 00:06:38,180
Ahh! - Urine! Urine!

144
00:06:38,267 --> 00:06:39,921
Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

145
00:06:40,008 --> 00:06:41,575
- What? Oh, my gosh! - Oh. Oh.

146
00:06:41,662 --> 00:06:42,924
Terry! - What?

147
00:06:43,011 --> 00:06:44,621
Oh!

148
00:06:44,708 --> 00:06:45,535
Where's all the pee I was promised

149
00:06:45,622 --> 00:06:47,015
by the girls with big boobs?

150
00:06:47,102 --> 00:06:48,364
I think you were projecting all of that.

151
00:06:49,670 --> 00:06:50,714
I just heard a bell ringing.

152
00:06:50,801 --> 00:06:52,281
Oh, my gosh.

153
00:06:52,368 --> 00:06:55,066
Every time a bell rings, an angel gets a tug job.

154
00:06:55,153 --> 00:06:56,285
From?

155
00:06:59,984 --> 00:07:01,116
Not me.

156
00:07:01,203 --> 00:07:02,639
I've been to Tug Jobs Anonymous.

157
00:07:02,726 --> 00:07:03,858
I'm in there right now. Don't tell anybody.

158
00:07:03,945 --> 00:07:05,207
Who else is in it with you?

159
00:07:05,294 --> 00:07:07,470
It's me and Gary Busey's mailman.

160
00:07:07,557 --> 00:07:09,211
- Terry! - God! What?

161
00:07:09,298 --> 00:07:10,386
What day is it?

162
00:07:10,473 --> 00:07:11,779
Oh, my God!

163
00:07:11,866 --> 00:07:12,997
It's only a couple days till Christmas!

164
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:15,826
Then there's still time!

165
00:07:15,913 --> 00:07:17,741
There's still time to get peed on!

166
00:07:17,828 --> 00:07:19,830
Uh, and--and/or other things.

167
00:07:19,917 --> 00:07:21,658
- Right, but mainly peed on. - Go.

168
00:07:21,745 --> 00:07:22,659
Just go. Go, go, go, go, go,

169
00:07:22,746 --> 00:07:23,791
- Asparagus? - Go.

170
00:07:23,878 --> 00:07:25,140
- Eat asparagus. - Go.

171
00:07:25,227 --> 00:07:28,143
Merry Christmas, dirty old pervert man!

172
00:07:30,232 --> 00:07:31,712
Fuck this place.

173
00:07:32,887 --> 00:07:35,150
Merry Christmas, Reno!

174
00:07:35,237 --> 00:07:37,108
Merry Christmas, weed store!

175
00:07:37,195 --> 00:07:39,676
Merry Christmas, you old dildo shop!

176
00:07:39,763 --> 00:07:41,809
Merry Christmas, Soup on a Stick!

177
00:07:41,896 --> 00:07:44,855
Merry Christmas, frozen dildo shop!

178
00:07:44,942 --> 00:07:46,988
Merry Christmas, Genital Decorators!

179
00:07:47,075 --> 00:07:50,078
Merry Christmas, paint-your-own dildo shop!

180
00:07:50,165 --> 00:07:52,602
Merry Christmas, Animal Butt Plugs!

181
00:07:59,130 --> 00:08:00,349
Terry?

182
00:08:02,786 --> 00:08:04,745
Were we supposed to get going, Terry?

183
00:08:11,839 --> 00:08:13,362
Anyway, your lives were great.

184
00:08:13,449 --> 00:08:15,016
Good morning, gang.

185
00:08:15,103 --> 00:08:16,496
- Good morning. - Good morning.

186
00:08:16,583 --> 00:08:18,193
Uh, this week's briefings are brought to you

187
00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:21,936
by Fugly Nubs, the app that gets

188
00:08:22,023 --> 00:08:25,156
horrifyingly ugly yet very usable parts

189
00:08:25,243 --> 00:08:27,898
of chickens directly to you.

190
00:08:27,985 --> 00:08:29,683
Wait, what?

191
00:08:29,770 --> 00:08:31,859
The way you eat a chicken, it's skinned, and the pieces--

192
00:08:31,946 --> 00:08:33,425
I've never considered them attractive.

193
00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:34,731
Well, I'm sorry. The fine print says,

194
00:08:34,818 --> 00:08:36,167
uh, "Parts of chickens

195
00:08:36,254 --> 00:08:38,082
that aren't even usable in Mexican restaurants."

196
00:08:38,169 --> 00:08:39,693
It sounds like this company isn't selling you

197
00:08:39,780 --> 00:08:41,433
parts that are unattractive,

198
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:43,740
they're selling you parts that you normally would not eat.

199
00:08:43,827 --> 00:08:45,568
Like a triple beak.

200
00:08:45,655 --> 00:08:48,440
It's sort of like when you buy a box of fabric remnants,

201
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,878
but this is, like, all cysts and--

202
00:08:50,965 --> 00:08:52,662
- And gizzards. - And gizzards.

203
00:08:52,749 --> 00:08:54,229
If you fry it real hard--

204
00:08:54,316 --> 00:08:55,752
Yeah.

205
00:08:55,839 --> 00:08:57,406
You--you--you don't even notice.

206
00:08:57,493 --> 00:08:59,408
It's all coming out the same hole, you know?

207
00:08:59,495 --> 00:09:01,366
There--actually, that is actually their new--

208
00:09:01,453 --> 00:09:02,716
uh, their new tagline.

209
00:09:02,803 --> 00:09:04,413
"Fugly Nubs. It's all coming out

210
00:09:04,500 --> 00:09:05,849
the same hole. What do you care?"

211
00:09:05,936 --> 00:09:07,242
So--

212
00:09:07,329 --> 00:09:09,679
did everybody get the script I wrote

213
00:09:09,766 --> 00:09:13,117
for our new Junior Deputy Pageant this year?

214
00:09:13,204 --> 00:09:14,728
- Yes, we did. - Yeah.

215
00:09:14,815 --> 00:09:16,468
Do I get to be the lead this year?

216
00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:17,426
Read the script!

217
00:09:17,513 --> 00:09:18,819
Are you playing Jesus again?

218
00:09:18,906 --> 00:09:20,429
Yes.

219
00:09:20,516 --> 00:09:22,083
We didn't need to read it to find that out.

220
00:09:22,170 --> 00:09:24,085
Everybody, please be off-book.

221
00:09:24,172 --> 00:09:25,695
We're going to rehearse as much as we can.

222
00:09:25,782 --> 00:09:27,654
You want us to memorize this whole thing?

223
00:09:27,741 --> 00:09:29,003
No, just your lines.

224
00:09:29,090 --> 00:09:31,005
We all have to remember her lines?

225
00:09:31,092 --> 00:09:32,746
Damn, how long is this play?

226
00:09:32,833 --> 00:09:33,964
We haven't timed it yet.

227
00:09:34,051 --> 00:09:35,705
It's long.

228
00:09:35,792 --> 00:09:38,012
But I mean, if you guys have ideas for trims, obviously,

229
00:09:38,099 --> 00:09:39,666
if you have ideas for trims--

230
00:09:39,753 --> 00:09:41,319
I just skimmed it, and I feel like the second half--

231
00:09:41,406 --> 00:09:43,060
You didn't skim it.

232
00:09:43,147 --> 00:09:44,409
or the last three quarters could go.

233
00:09:44,496 --> 00:09:45,585
Everybody, please read the script.

234
00:09:45,672 --> 00:09:46,716
Cindy, did you read the script?

235
00:09:46,803 --> 00:09:47,978
Mm-hmm!

236
00:09:48,065 --> 00:09:49,023
- What did you think? - Amazing.

237
00:09:49,110 --> 00:09:50,241
Perfect. - Thank you.

238
00:09:50,328 --> 00:09:51,852
That's the only feedback I want.

239
00:09:51,939 --> 00:09:54,071
Please sign your nudity waivers, be ready to go.

240
00:09:54,158 --> 00:09:57,248
I agree to and accept all nudity in regards

241
00:09:57,335 --> 00:09:59,816
to this production, because I am a fan of the truth.

242
00:09:59,903 --> 00:10:01,818
All right.

243
00:10:01,905 --> 00:10:03,254
We're not allowed to do it this year--you know how we did it

244
00:10:03,341 --> 00:10:04,865
in the parking lot last year, and then

245
00:10:04,952 --> 00:10:05,779
we did it at the fire station, and

246
00:10:05,866 --> 00:10:07,432
the fire station is mad at us.

247
00:10:07,519 --> 00:10:08,825
We don't--we don't technically have a venue.

248
00:10:08,912 --> 00:10:10,697
Smells there.

249
00:10:10,784 --> 00:10:12,307
Jim, if we do have to do it in the parking lot again,

250
00:10:12,394 --> 00:10:13,830
can we scare away that lady with the birds?

251
00:10:13,917 --> 00:10:15,223
The scary lady who has the birds?

252
00:10:15,310 --> 00:10:16,659
Is the--are the birds with her?

253
00:10:16,746 --> 00:10:18,269
Uh, I think they're all together.

254
00:10:18,356 --> 00:10:19,880
Yeah, she seems to be able to control them.

255
00:10:19,967 --> 00:10:21,838
That was last year's Junior Deputy Pageant.

256
00:10:21,925 --> 00:10:23,884
I was also thinking, who's the scary guy with the big thing

257
00:10:23,971 --> 00:10:24,928
that he was running around?

258
00:10:25,015 --> 00:10:26,277
Oh, the big black wang.

259
00:10:26,364 --> 00:10:28,192
Yeah.

260
00:10:28,279 --> 00:10:29,106
Does everybody see the extremely sad man

261
00:10:29,193 --> 00:10:30,630
at the window? - Oh, my God.

262
00:10:30,717 --> 00:10:32,066
Don't look, don't look, don't look.

263
00:10:32,153 --> 00:10:33,328
Uh, make believe we don't see him.

264
00:10:33,415 --> 00:10:34,416
I don't want to start working.

265
00:10:34,503 --> 00:10:35,809
He looks so sad.

266
00:10:35,896 --> 00:10:36,940
- He'll go away. - It seems official.

267
00:10:37,027 --> 00:10:37,985
It seems official.

268
00:10:38,072 --> 00:10:39,290
No, no, Jimmy, come on!

269
00:10:39,377 --> 00:10:40,727
It's our job.

270
00:10:40,814 --> 00:10:42,293
Hey, I don't like our job either.

271
00:10:42,380 --> 00:10:44,252
Hi, can I--oh, dear. Oh, dear.

272
00:10:44,339 --> 00:10:45,427
Hi. Sir?

273
00:10:45,514 --> 00:10:46,820
Are you OK?

274
00:10:46,907 --> 00:10:47,559
No, come in, come in, come in.

275
00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:48,560
Sir. Sir.

276
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:49,649
Sir.

277
00:10:49,736 --> 00:10:50,867
Oh, my--wait.

278
00:10:50,954 --> 00:10:52,477
Do I know you? - It is I.

279
00:10:52,564 --> 00:10:53,914
Oh, my God! Are you--

280
00:10:54,001 --> 00:10:55,350
Mr. Christopher Richnickie

281
00:10:55,437 --> 00:10:56,917
from the Sierra Nugget Mall commercials.

282
00:10:57,004 --> 00:10:58,875
- Oh, my God. - Oh, your commercials!

283
00:11:07,623 --> 00:11:09,581
That's you!

284
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:10,887
Yep.

285
00:11:10,974 --> 00:11:11,932
That used to be a great mall.

286
00:11:12,019 --> 00:11:13,150
Thank you.

287
00:11:13,237 --> 00:11:15,762
Uh, it's a great mall!

288
00:11:15,849 --> 00:11:18,373
Someone has been sending me ransom notes--

289
00:11:18,460 --> 00:11:19,940
a lunatic.

290
00:11:20,027 --> 00:11:22,682
He's trying to kidnap my silver nugget

291
00:11:22,769 --> 00:11:24,814
right from my mall.

292
00:11:24,901 --> 00:11:26,555
They've been calling. They have been sending notes.

293
00:11:26,642 --> 00:11:28,383
They have been absolutely terrorizing me,

294
00:11:28,470 --> 00:11:29,863
and I don't know why.

295
00:11:29,950 --> 00:11:31,691
I refinanced the whole mall on that nugget.

296
00:11:31,778 --> 00:11:32,996
If I lose that nugget,

297
00:11:33,083 --> 00:11:34,606
I lose everything. - Gimme. Gimme.

298
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,217
I--I--I'm going to make one of those string boards.

299
00:11:36,304 --> 00:11:37,653
I'm on this. I got this.

300
00:11:37,740 --> 00:11:38,915
Give me that.

301
00:11:39,002 --> 00:11:40,612
So many terrible things have happened.

302
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,092
We've had to make so many cutbacks at the mall.

303
00:11:42,179 --> 00:11:43,311
This is great.

304
00:11:43,398 --> 00:11:45,182
This is great.

305
00:11:45,269 --> 00:11:46,793
It looks like I'm going to be playing Santa Claus this year--

306
00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:47,968
- Oh, my goodness. - Oh.

307
00:11:48,055 --> 00:11:49,230
This is the real thing.

308
00:11:49,317 --> 00:11:50,927
They've got the cutouts, the letters.

309
00:11:51,014 --> 00:11:53,625
And every one of them says Christopher Richnickie.

310
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:55,236
Do you know how long that takes?

311
00:11:55,323 --> 00:11:57,455
And he cut out every fucking letter of that name.

312
00:11:57,542 --> 00:12:00,328
Mr. Richnickie, one of the stupidest people

313
00:12:00,415 --> 00:12:02,243
I've ever met in my entire life--

314
00:12:02,330 --> 00:12:03,592
He's talking about me.

315
00:12:03,679 --> 00:12:05,507
Just had an incredible idea.

316
00:12:05,594 --> 00:12:06,856
We're looking for a venue

317
00:12:06,943 --> 00:12:08,510
to do our annual Christmas pageant

318
00:12:08,597 --> 00:12:10,381
for the little Junior Deputies.

319
00:12:10,468 --> 00:12:13,907
If we could do it at the Sierra Nugget Mall,

320
00:12:13,994 --> 00:12:17,606
we could be there in person to protect your nugget

321
00:12:17,693 --> 00:12:19,651
from these would-be bandits. - Yes.

322
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:21,523
But a pageant would bring customers to my mall.

323
00:12:21,610 --> 00:12:22,654
- It could. - That would help me!

324
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:24,569
A wonderful pageant.

325
00:12:24,656 --> 00:12:25,483
And also having you there to protect the nugget--

326
00:12:25,570 --> 00:12:26,920
That's right.

327
00:12:27,007 --> 00:12:28,312
It's like sticking a wolf right in the henhouse.

328
00:12:28,399 --> 00:12:29,705
- Thank you! - This is serendipity!

329
00:12:29,792 --> 00:12:31,011
Thank you, female Pee-wee Herman!

330
00:12:31,098 --> 00:12:32,577
Yes.

331
00:12:32,664 --> 00:12:34,405
Well, this is a Christmas miracle!

332
00:12:34,492 --> 00:12:36,538
You will give us a venue for our pageant,

333
00:12:36,625 --> 00:12:38,540
and we will do the thing that is

334
00:12:38,627 --> 00:12:41,151
by definition our job, which is protect your property.

335
00:12:41,238 --> 00:12:42,674
This is magnificent.

336
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:44,676
And if all goes well, we could pick anything

337
00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:46,113
we want from the mall!

338
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:47,157
That's not allowed.

339
00:12:47,244 --> 00:12:48,550
Going to be great. Thank you.

340
00:12:48,637 --> 00:12:49,899
This has been the worst year of my life.

341
00:12:49,986 --> 00:12:51,074
Wow, you really keep--

342
00:12:51,161 --> 00:12:52,249
- My wife has lupus. - Yeah.

343
00:12:52,336 --> 00:12:53,773
OK, goodbye.

344
00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:55,383
I actually feel like this has been resolved,

345
00:12:55,470 --> 00:12:56,601
and you could probably leave now.

346
00:12:56,688 --> 00:12:58,038
We--we--we haven't agreed--

347
00:12:58,125 --> 00:13:00,388
She can't stand me, and all I am is nice.

348
00:13:00,475 --> 00:13:01,737
Oh.

349
00:13:01,824 --> 00:13:03,217
Doctors can't even do that.

350
00:13:03,304 --> 00:13:05,393
So if you're asking us to kill her--

351
00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:11,486
<i>Said you were going to do it, now do it!</i>

352
00:13:11,573 --> 00:13:13,357
I just listen to this every day?

353
00:13:13,444 --> 00:13:14,663
Every day.

354
00:13:14,750 --> 00:13:15,969
A couple of times a day if you can,

355
00:13:16,056 --> 00:13:17,318
and while you go to sleep.

356
00:13:17,405 --> 00:13:19,102
Let it get in there subliminally.

357
00:13:19,189 --> 00:13:22,062
And that is how you live your best life.

358
00:13:22,149 --> 00:13:23,628
I can Venmo you.

359
00:13:23,715 --> 00:13:25,587
I'm going to give it to you as an act of generosity.

360
00:13:25,674 --> 00:13:27,807
- You're the best. - Oh, I know who this is.

361
00:13:27,894 --> 00:13:29,199
Sheriff's Department!

362
00:13:29,286 --> 00:13:32,333
Um, there's nobody in this box.

363
00:13:32,420 --> 00:13:34,204
- Hi, Jackie. - Jackie!

364
00:13:34,291 --> 00:13:35,597
Jackie's not here.

365
00:13:35,684 --> 00:13:37,773
Please--please leave a message at the tone.

366
00:13:37,860 --> 00:13:39,427
OK, hang on one second.

367
00:13:39,514 --> 00:13:42,604
Telephone call for Jackie, the transient who's nesting

368
00:13:42,691 --> 00:13:44,649
in the book deposit box. - Hello?

369
00:13:44,736 --> 00:13:46,086
- Jackie? - Yes?

370
00:13:46,173 --> 00:13:47,478
Hi, it's Jim from the Sheriff's Department.

371
00:13:47,565 --> 00:13:49,045
Oh, hi. Why didn't you just say so?

372
00:13:49,132 --> 00:13:50,307
Ni--happy Christmas

373
00:13:50,394 --> 00:13:51,874
and nice for you to see me again.

374
00:13:51,961 --> 00:13:53,006
Hi, Jackie.

375
00:13:53,093 --> 00:13:54,398
Can you come out and talk to us

376
00:13:54,485 --> 00:13:56,357
about some business opportunities?

377
00:13:56,444 --> 00:13:58,141
The yearbook photo of Jackie, that's actually it.

378
00:13:58,228 --> 00:13:59,926
- Right in-- - Oh, hey, guys.

379
00:14:00,013 --> 00:14:01,144
How's it going?

380
00:14:01,231 --> 00:14:02,798
Have you ever been to Marseilles?

381
00:14:02,885 --> 00:14:04,669
I'm going to put it all on blue and let it ride.

382
00:14:04,756 --> 00:14:07,324
One time I was in Marseilles, and, uh--

383
00:14:07,411 --> 00:14:08,935
the tide-- when the tide goes out--

384
00:14:09,022 --> 00:14:10,937
- Oh, shit! - It smells like this?

385
00:14:11,024 --> 00:14:12,634
- That's it. That's exactly it. - Oh, my God.

386
00:14:12,721 --> 00:14:14,897
But you've got to be there at low tide in, like, August--

387
00:14:14,984 --> 00:14:16,116
late August, September.

388
00:14:16,203 --> 00:14:17,378
Marseilles.

389
00:14:17,465 --> 00:14:19,032
Jackie, we're pulling you on five.

390
00:14:19,119 --> 00:14:20,120
- We're pulling you out. - On the count of four.

391
00:14:20,207 --> 00:14:21,599
- One-- - Five. Go!

392
00:14:21,686 --> 00:14:22,731
- Two--God! - Oh, shit.

393
00:14:22,818 --> 00:14:23,950
Oh, shit. - I got it.

394
00:14:24,037 --> 00:14:25,038
I got it. - OK, I'm good.

395
00:14:25,125 --> 00:14:26,735
Got her. Got her. Got her.

396
00:14:26,822 --> 00:14:28,606
Did everybody know that it was me?

397
00:14:28,693 --> 00:14:29,738
Surprise!

398
00:14:29,825 --> 00:14:31,044
We all knew it was you.

399
00:14:31,131 --> 00:14:32,349
Oh, Clemmy.

400
00:14:32,436 --> 00:14:33,742
Yes.

401
00:14:33,829 --> 00:14:35,570
She--she says it's a Christmas miracle.

402
00:14:35,657 --> 00:14:37,180
I just wanted to see my friend Jackie

403
00:14:37,267 --> 00:14:38,834
because she's my inspiration,

404
00:14:38,921 --> 00:14:41,402
both sociology-wise and spiritually.

405
00:14:41,489 --> 00:14:42,838
Yeah.

406
00:14:42,925 --> 00:14:45,536
Not to mention, look at the fashion.

407
00:14:45,623 --> 00:14:47,147
Oh, shit.

408
00:14:47,234 --> 00:14:49,845
She was Miss Nevada a long time ago.

409
00:14:49,932 --> 00:14:51,891
There's possum shit in my boots.

410
00:14:51,978 --> 00:14:53,980
You want to tell us about this little, uh,

411
00:14:54,067 --> 00:14:55,938
business you've started over here?

412
00:14:56,025 --> 00:14:59,289
Oh, I'm not pulling books out of this for sale, for sure.

413
00:14:59,376 --> 00:15:00,769
These are for charity.

414
00:15:00,856 --> 00:15:03,859
Two for 10, five for 4, 16 for 22.

415
00:15:03,946 --> 00:15:05,774
52 for three wallet-sized.

416
00:15:05,861 --> 00:15:07,341
- You're just doing work--

417
00:15:07,428 --> 00:15:08,995
But you can't get your inventory

418
00:15:09,082 --> 00:15:10,866
from the Reno Public Library.

419
00:15:10,953 --> 00:15:12,520
These are all library books.

420
00:15:12,607 --> 00:15:13,869
We know that's what you did 'cause it says that.

421
00:15:13,956 --> 00:15:14,870
How much is this one?

422
00:15:14,957 --> 00:15:16,306
Oh, this one is so--

423
00:15:16,393 --> 00:15:17,394
Don't put--don't go for my penis, please.

424
00:15:17,481 --> 00:15:18,656
This one is very--

425
00:15:18,743 --> 00:15:19,744
You were leaning right towards my--

426
00:15:19,831 --> 00:15:20,963
What? I wasn't trying to.

427
00:15:21,050 --> 00:15:22,182
- Yeah, you were. - Listen.

428
00:15:22,269 --> 00:15:23,705
There's no free blowjobs on Christmas!

429
00:15:23,792 --> 00:15:25,272
Do you want me to--

430
00:15:25,359 --> 00:15:26,186
I'm going to cuff you for your own protection, OK?

431
00:15:26,273 --> 00:15:28,579
Just casually, casually. Oh, look at this!

432
00:15:28,666 --> 00:15:29,798
She's being so lovely. - Here's the problem.

433
00:15:29,885 --> 00:15:30,712
But don't--don't-- Jackie!

434
00:15:30,799 --> 00:15:32,279
Deedle-eedle-eedle-ee.

435
00:15:32,366 --> 00:15:33,149
Jackie, I just don't want to see--

436
00:15:33,236 --> 00:15:34,237
Jackie.

437
00:15:34,324 --> 00:15:35,282
Look at all these dollars.

438
00:15:35,369 --> 00:15:36,326
Surprise.

439
00:15:36,413 --> 00:15:38,285
You cannot just creep up

440
00:15:38,372 --> 00:15:40,852
on a lady at Christmas time--

441
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:41,897
Put that under your vagina, please.

442
00:15:41,984 --> 00:15:43,159
And expect--oh, no.

443
00:15:43,246 --> 00:15:44,726
Is something crawling out? - No.

444
00:15:44,813 --> 00:15:45,640
You stay in there.

445
00:15:45,727 --> 00:15:47,598
You'll be safe.

446
00:15:47,685 --> 00:15:49,122
Are you talking to your snatch?

447
00:15:49,209 --> 00:15:50,340
Mm-hmm.

448
00:15:50,427 --> 00:15:51,515
Have you met her?

449
00:15:51,602 --> 00:15:52,995
She's not friendly.

450
00:15:53,082 --> 00:15:55,867
We could either get her in the vehicle.

451
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:57,521
Mm-hmm.

452
00:15:57,608 --> 00:16:00,133
Or if we get her all the way into the box,

453
00:16:00,220 --> 00:16:03,005
then she's the library's problem.

454
00:16:03,092 --> 00:16:04,615
Let's get her in the vehicle. This is gross.

455
00:16:04,702 --> 00:16:05,921
They're going to get mad. Let's get her in the vehicle.

456
00:16:06,008 --> 00:16:07,444
Why don't you come to the car with me?

457
00:16:07,531 --> 00:16:09,272
I have pickles. - That's fine. I'll do that.

458
00:16:09,359 --> 00:16:10,143
I'm allowing you to hold this.

459
00:16:10,230 --> 00:16:12,406
I'm allowing you to hold this!

460
00:16:12,493 --> 00:16:13,450
Stop it. Stop it.

461
00:16:13,537 --> 00:16:14,843
- All of this! - Oh, fuck!

462
00:16:14,930 --> 00:16:16,584
Oh, look. This is my Christmas dress.

463
00:16:16,671 --> 00:16:17,977
Is that your--oh, that is very Christmassy.

464
00:16:19,369 --> 00:16:20,544
I can't see in my right eye, but it's--

465
00:16:20,631 --> 00:16:21,763
I think it's fine.

466
00:16:21,850 --> 00:16:23,286
Santa is going to stuff you right

467
00:16:23,373 --> 00:16:24,157
in this little thing here. - Santa's gonna stuff me?

468
00:16:24,244 --> 00:16:25,462
- Yeah. You're good. - Yeah.

469
00:16:25,549 --> 00:16:26,681
Don't--stop.

470
00:16:26,768 --> 00:16:27,638
I've been dreaming about this.

471
00:16:27,725 --> 00:16:28,944
Stop it.

472
00:16:29,031 --> 00:16:30,685
I've been dreaming about this!

473
00:16:30,772 --> 00:16:31,468
Santa, stuff it!

474
00:16:31,555 --> 00:16:32,817
Here.

475
00:16:32,904 --> 00:16:35,690
Oh, Santa, Santa.

476
00:16:35,777 --> 00:16:38,910
Oh, what child is this?

477
00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:41,478
And God bless us, every one.

478
00:16:41,565 --> 00:16:43,785
Record time getting her into the thing.

479
00:16:43,872 --> 00:16:45,352
Don't you think?

480
00:16:45,439 --> 00:16:46,831
- Because we listened-- - Because we listened!

481
00:16:46,918 --> 00:16:48,311
- To affirmations. - The affirmations!

482
00:16:48,398 --> 00:16:49,530
- Yeah. - I think it helped.

483
00:16:59,801 --> 00:17:01,194
Still there.

484
00:17:01,281 --> 00:17:04,762
So Dangle has us patrolling the mall in shifts

485
00:17:04,849 --> 00:17:07,243
to, um, keep an eye on the nugget,

486
00:17:07,330 --> 00:17:09,376
to make sure that nobody steals it.

487
00:17:09,463 --> 00:17:11,987
I think Mr. Richnickie is just being a little bit paranoid,

488
00:17:12,074 --> 00:17:14,381
and, quite frankly, a little bit dramatic,

489
00:17:14,468 --> 00:17:16,470
about someone wanting to steal the silver nugget.

490
00:17:16,557 --> 00:17:19,951
I mean, it's like, why would anybody want this thing?

491
00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:22,606
Right? What is it made of, cake?

492
00:17:22,693 --> 00:17:24,652
Actually, has anybody checked?

493
00:17:24,739 --> 00:17:27,742
Because they are making some pretty weird shit

494
00:17:27,829 --> 00:17:30,136
out of cake lately.

495
00:17:30,223 --> 00:17:33,052
If you want something stolen,

496
00:17:33,139 --> 00:17:35,097
put it in a display like this.

497
00:17:35,184 --> 00:17:36,446
If you put it-- - You're begging for it.

498
00:17:36,533 --> 00:17:38,535
You're begging for it. I would steal this.

499
00:17:38,622 --> 00:17:39,797
I would steal this

500
00:17:39,884 --> 00:17:41,669
and I would sell it in my Etsy shop

501
00:17:41,756 --> 00:17:44,976
for $25,000 plus shipping, calling it a meteor.

502
00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:46,674
And someone would buy it.

503
00:17:46,761 --> 00:17:47,631
You're right.

504
00:17:47,718 --> 00:17:49,155
Oh, no!

505
00:17:49,242 --> 00:17:50,634
- Whoa! - Hey, hey, hey!

506
00:17:50,721 --> 00:17:52,549
Oh! Oh!

507
00:17:52,636 --> 00:17:54,682
First my wife has lupus, now this?

508
00:17:54,769 --> 00:17:56,640
Wait, that's what you called us here for?

509
00:17:56,727 --> 00:17:58,033
No!

510
00:17:58,120 --> 00:18:00,340
Someone put a live adult male chimp

511
00:18:00,427 --> 00:18:02,603
inside of my Santa sack!

512
00:18:02,690 --> 00:18:04,083
You put a--whoa!

513
00:18:06,868 --> 00:18:08,826
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

514
00:18:08,913 --> 00:18:10,045
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

515
00:18:10,132 --> 00:18:11,438
Get back! Get back!

516
00:18:11,525 --> 00:18:12,656
Stay away from my nugget, you dirty monkey!

517
00:18:12,743 --> 00:18:14,310
Where'd he go?

518
00:18:17,835 --> 00:18:19,359
Hey, hey, hey. This is Jones.

519
00:18:19,446 --> 00:18:21,143
Uh, I'm at the Sierra Nugget Mall.

520
00:18:21,230 --> 00:18:22,362
I need backup. We've been chimp-sacked.

521
00:18:22,449 --> 00:18:23,798
<i>- Chimp-sacked, copy.</i> - What?

522
00:18:23,885 --> 00:18:25,234
Explain to them what happened. - Where'd he go?

523
00:18:25,321 --> 00:18:26,322
- I don't know. - What happened?

524
00:18:26,409 --> 00:18:27,715
- We lost him. - We lost him.

525
00:18:29,195 --> 00:18:30,065
- Excuse us. - Excuse me. Excuse me.

526
00:18:30,152 --> 00:18:31,458
- Watch it. - Jim!

527
00:18:31,545 --> 00:18:32,894
- Excuse me. - Jim, right here!

528
00:18:32,981 --> 00:18:34,025
- Careful. - What's up?

529
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:35,157
We're getting chimp-sacked?

530
00:18:35,244 --> 00:18:36,550
Yeah, we got chimp-sacked.

531
00:18:36,637 --> 00:18:37,942
How do you know this term, chimp-sacked?

532
00:18:38,029 --> 00:18:39,466
We got an adult male chimpanzee

533
00:18:39,553 --> 00:18:40,597
in a sack or a satchel, some kind of bag.

534
00:18:40,684 --> 00:18:41,729
Chimp-sack.

535
00:18:41,816 --> 00:18:43,034
What's there to not understand?

536
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:44,035
It's a chimp in a sack, right?

537
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:45,211
No, I get that, but--

538
00:18:45,298 --> 00:18:46,560
- Like jaguar-luggaged. - What?

539
00:18:46,647 --> 00:18:47,517
That I don't know.

540
00:18:47,604 --> 00:18:48,562
That's not a thing, either.

541
00:18:54,045 --> 00:18:55,960
Why are we all being so loud?

542
00:18:56,047 --> 00:18:57,875
Why are we being so loud?

543
00:18:57,962 --> 00:18:59,660
Poke him with that stick.

544
00:18:59,747 --> 00:19:01,140
Maybe make other chimp noises or something?

545
00:19:05,274 --> 00:19:07,058
- No, no, no. - Bad idea.

546
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:08,538
I think he's very close to falling--

547
00:19:15,980 --> 00:19:17,460
Guys, guys. He's fall--he's fallen over.

548
00:19:17,547 --> 00:19:19,114
He's asleep. He's asleep.

549
00:19:19,201 --> 00:19:20,463
Oh, crack his little skull.

550
00:19:20,550 --> 00:19:22,378
Oh, give him a little skull crack.

551
00:19:22,465 --> 00:19:24,075
Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

552
00:19:25,729 --> 00:19:27,688
What are you doing? Why did you shoot the elf?

553
00:19:27,775 --> 00:19:29,994
Fuck you!

554
00:19:30,081 --> 00:19:31,387
Jim!

555
00:19:31,474 --> 00:19:33,172
No! No!

556
00:19:33,259 --> 00:19:34,782
Look away! Look away from this!

557
00:19:34,869 --> 00:19:36,175
Oh, my God!

558
00:19:36,262 --> 00:19:37,959
Do something!

559
00:19:38,046 --> 00:19:39,395
I gotta--Jim!

560
00:19:39,482 --> 00:19:42,311
Help me!

561
00:19:42,398 --> 00:19:44,487
You son of a bitch!

562
00:19:44,574 --> 00:19:46,272
I just want to remind you that you shot my friend!

563
00:19:46,359 --> 00:19:48,274
- My God! - You shot Keith the Elf!

564
00:19:48,361 --> 00:19:49,884
Oh, my God, you killed him!

565
00:19:49,971 --> 00:19:51,320
No, no, no, no, no. No, you didn't kill him.

566
00:19:51,407 --> 00:19:53,148
One tranquilizer dart

567
00:19:53,235 --> 00:19:55,803
is equal to three Quaaludes, OK?

568
00:19:55,890 --> 00:19:56,760
Are we talking about getting some Quaaludes?

569
00:19:56,847 --> 00:19:58,371
Is that what we're talking about?

570
00:19:58,458 --> 00:19:59,850
Well, I'm just saying a tranquilizer dart is--

571
00:19:59,937 --> 00:20:01,417
- Please don't fuck me. - Wait, wait, wait, what?

572
00:20:01,504 --> 00:20:02,244
- What? - What did he say?

573
00:20:02,331 --> 00:20:03,941
Please don't fuck me.

574
00:20:04,028 --> 00:20:05,682
The last time Keith got knocked out at work,

575
00:20:05,769 --> 00:20:07,293
a whole bunch of people tried to fuck him.

576
00:20:07,380 --> 00:20:08,729
So I think that might be the concern right now.

577
00:20:08,816 --> 00:20:10,078
Please don't fuck me.

578
00:20:10,165 --> 00:20:11,384
That is definitely the concern!

579
00:20:11,471 --> 00:20:12,254
Nobody's got eyes on our chimp sack?

580
00:20:14,343 --> 00:20:15,866
Get it in!

581
00:20:17,085 --> 00:20:18,521
Follow it. Follow it.

582
00:20:18,608 --> 00:20:20,958
Trap it in. Trap it in. - Get in there!

583
00:20:21,045 --> 00:20:22,351
Don't you  my Keith.

584
00:20:22,438 --> 00:20:23,874
Nobody wants any parts of that.

585
00:20:23,961 --> 00:20:25,006
You know, it's like that thing where you say,

586
00:20:25,093 --> 00:20:26,529
don't think of elephants.

587
00:20:26,616 --> 00:20:28,183
Now everyone's thinking of fucking Keith.

588
00:20:28,270 --> 00:20:29,576
Don't fuck Keith!

589
00:20:42,284 --> 00:20:44,634
<i>Does everyone remember the oath that HR made us take?</i>

590
00:20:44,721 --> 00:20:47,507
And I won't show my wiener to anybody.

591
00:20:47,594 --> 00:20:49,335
I will not show my wiener to anybody.

592
00:20:49,422 --> 00:20:50,597
No such thing as a penis oath.

593
00:20:50,684 --> 00:20:52,076
- What are we doing? - Oh.

594
00:20:52,163 --> 00:20:53,339
Oh, we were just taking an oath that we wouldn't

595
00:20:53,426 --> 00:20:54,775
show people our wieners.

596
00:20:54,862 --> 00:20:55,906
Yeah, yeah.

597
00:20:55,993 --> 00:20:57,952
Well, we had a situation with a--

598
00:20:58,039 --> 00:20:58,996
Yeah, there's a chimpanzee running through the mall.

599
00:20:59,083 --> 00:21:00,389
Chimpanzee.

600
00:21:00,476 --> 00:21:01,956
It got into the Santa sack and, uh,

601
00:21:02,043 --> 00:21:03,349
we don't know where it is.

602
00:21:03,436 --> 00:21:04,393
It's all part of a terrible ransom.

603
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:05,786
You're being chimp-sacked?

604
00:21:05,873 --> 00:21:07,701
- Not a thing. - The adult male chimpanzee

605
00:21:07,788 --> 00:21:10,007
has nine times the grip of that of a male adult.

606
00:21:10,094 --> 00:21:12,967
The secret is, you have to be a chimp

607
00:21:13,054 --> 00:21:14,577
of a higher status.

608
00:21:14,664 --> 00:21:16,187
It's a status game, mates.

609
00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:17,406
Watch and learn.

610
00:21:17,493 --> 00:21:19,278
He's over here, behind the--

611
00:21:19,365 --> 00:21:20,801
He knows what he's doing.

612
00:21:20,888 --> 00:21:21,758
This is good.

613
00:21:21,845 --> 00:21:23,673
All right, this is no good.

614
00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:25,153
You need, like, a moose or something.

615
00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:26,372
A reindeer is not big enough.

616
00:21:26,459 --> 00:21:27,851
- Not big enough.

617
00:21:27,938 --> 00:21:29,505
- Bigger chimp. - Bigger chimp.

618
00:21:29,592 --> 00:21:30,854
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Status game.

619
00:21:30,941 --> 00:21:32,465
- Oh, yes. Yeah, OK. - Come on.

620
00:21:32,552 --> 00:21:34,031
Come on, chimpie.

621
00:21:36,599 --> 00:21:37,861
Oh. Oh, no, no, no.

622
00:21:37,948 --> 00:21:38,993
That sounds--that sounds bad. - Oh!

623
00:21:42,475 --> 00:21:44,128
Oh, he's OK!

624
00:21:44,215 --> 00:21:46,217
He's got a bit of fight in him, that one.

625
00:21:46,305 --> 00:21:47,610
All right, different tactic.

626
00:21:47,697 --> 00:21:48,872
I want him to think that I'm a female.

627
00:21:48,959 --> 00:21:50,047
You, you.

628
00:21:50,134 --> 00:21:51,353
I need some musk.

629
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:53,703
This way--this way--

630
00:21:53,790 --> 00:21:55,270
- He'll think that I'm a woman. - That works.

631
00:21:55,357 --> 00:21:56,402
That works. - Not enough.

632
00:21:56,489 --> 00:21:57,577
Not enough. - Oh!

633
00:21:57,664 --> 00:21:59,013
You want some? Oh.

634
00:21:59,100 --> 00:21:59,883
- Hey.

635
00:21:59,970 --> 00:22:01,668
Oh.

636
00:22:01,755 --> 00:22:02,799
- Guys, it's totally standard. - That'll do it.

637
00:22:02,886 --> 00:22:04,018
He'll like that. He'll like that.

638
00:22:04,105 --> 00:22:05,193
OK, good. You're welcome.

639
00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:07,108
Maybe. Santa, come here.

640
00:22:07,195 --> 00:22:08,588
You smell like a woman.

641
00:22:08,675 --> 00:22:10,198
It's funny, because usually when a man

642
00:22:10,285 --> 00:22:12,983
sticks his arm up my crotch, I get his name first.

643
00:22:13,070 --> 00:22:14,942
Now it's time for the tender trap.

644
00:22:15,029 --> 00:22:15,986
OK.

645
00:22:16,073 --> 00:22:17,597
Godspeed.

646
00:22:17,684 --> 00:22:19,120
Oh, you go--you go, girl.

647
00:22:23,124 --> 00:22:24,517
Not in there!

648
00:22:24,604 --> 00:22:25,866
Put him down.

649
00:22:25,953 --> 00:22:27,346
- Is your foot in it? - Leave it, no!

650
00:22:27,433 --> 00:22:28,782
No!

651
00:22:28,869 --> 00:22:29,826
Ahh!

652
00:22:29,913 --> 00:22:30,871
Oh, oh.

653
00:22:30,958 --> 00:22:32,438
He's in--

654
00:22:32,525 --> 00:22:33,395
- Ahh! - Oh, he's alive.

655
00:22:33,482 --> 00:22:34,527
- Oh. - He's alive.

656
00:22:34,614 --> 00:22:35,528
I got him.

657
00:22:35,615 --> 00:22:37,094
I choked him out.

658
00:22:37,181 --> 00:22:38,357
You choked him out.

659
00:22:38,444 --> 00:22:39,836
Oh.

660
00:22:39,923 --> 00:22:42,230
He's not going to bother you anymore.

661
00:22:42,317 --> 00:22:43,492
He's a nice fella.

662
00:22:43,579 --> 00:22:45,233
Just needed a bit of love. - Oh.

663
00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:46,539
Thank you, brave sir.

664
00:22:46,626 --> 00:22:48,192
- You're a hero. - Brave sir.

665
00:22:48,279 --> 00:22:49,411
Oh, thank you so much.

666
00:22:49,498 --> 00:22:51,413
Your items. - Ah, wow. Wow.

667
00:22:51,500 --> 00:22:53,197
Uh, let's--is this dumb?

668
00:22:53,284 --> 00:22:55,635
Can get a--can we get a snap with the squad?

669
00:22:55,722 --> 00:22:57,419
Oh, yeah. That's a great idea.

670
00:22:57,506 --> 00:22:59,160
Come on, come on.

671
00:22:59,247 --> 00:23:00,857
That's great. Whoops.

672
00:23:00,944 --> 00:23:02,163
Can everybody go, "whoops"? That's great.

673
00:23:05,645 --> 00:23:07,298
- Hey, hey, hey! - Oh!

674
00:23:07,386 --> 00:23:08,299
Oh, you got him, Jim!

675
00:23:08,387 --> 00:23:10,084
I'm OK!

676
00:23:12,042 --> 00:23:13,653
It's a Christmas miracle!

677
00:23:13,740 --> 00:23:14,784
Let's get the photo.

678
00:23:14,871 --> 00:23:16,177
Season's greetings!

679
00:23:16,264 --> 00:23:19,180
all: Season's greetings.

680
00:23:19,267 --> 00:23:21,269
<i>Only three days left to Christmas.</i>

681
00:23:21,356 --> 00:23:22,966
<i>Bargains are abound.</i>

682
00:23:23,053 --> 00:23:25,273
Does anybody want an Ice N Tasty?

683
00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:26,840
No, I need one to put on--

684
00:23:26,927 --> 00:23:28,058
to ice my tasties. - Morning, officers.

685
00:23:28,145 --> 00:23:29,669
Morning, morning.

686
00:23:29,756 --> 00:23:30,409
- Well, hello there. - Good morning.

687
00:23:30,496 --> 00:23:31,801
Thank you for your service.

688
00:23:31,888 --> 00:23:33,542
We saw what you got up to this morning.

689
00:23:33,629 --> 00:23:35,414
Oh, yeah. We got, uh--uh--

690
00:23:35,501 --> 00:23:36,632
Chimp--you got chimp-sacked.

691
00:23:36,719 --> 00:23:38,112
- We got chimp-sacked. - We sure did.

692
00:23:38,199 --> 00:23:39,766
My name is Gunner.

693
00:23:39,853 --> 00:23:41,550
And my name is Ronnie Donald Ceviche.

694
00:23:41,637 --> 00:23:42,812
And I am Hold 'Em.

695
00:23:42,899 --> 00:23:44,335
And I am Fold 'Em.

696
00:23:44,423 --> 00:23:45,772
Yeah. We are the current stewards

697
00:23:45,859 --> 00:23:49,079
of the Kenny Rogers' Life Exhibit.

698
00:23:49,166 --> 00:23:52,126
Is this some kind of traveling Kenny Rogers museum?

699
00:23:52,213 --> 00:23:54,041
Some kind?

700
00:23:54,128 --> 00:23:57,653
This is <i>the</i> traveling Kenny Rogers museum.

701
00:23:57,740 --> 00:23:59,002
We're talking too much.

702
00:23:59,089 --> 00:24:00,569
It's almost time to start our show.

703
00:24:00,656 --> 00:24:02,876
- Oh, oh, oh! - And...

704
00:24:04,443 --> 00:24:07,446
Born 21 August, 1938, Kenneth Donald Rogers,

705
00:24:07,533 --> 00:24:09,491
known to his family as Kenneth Ray,

706
00:24:09,578 --> 00:24:12,015
went on to be nominated 19 times for a Grammy

707
00:24:12,102 --> 00:24:15,889
and sold over 121 million records worldwide.

708
00:24:15,976 --> 00:24:18,631
This is the exact size Kenny was

709
00:24:18,718 --> 00:24:20,371
when he was this size.

710
00:24:20,459 --> 00:24:22,243
- Child-size Kenny. - It looks just like him.

711
00:24:22,330 --> 00:24:24,027
It looks just like him.

712
00:24:24,114 --> 00:24:26,421
And he grew up in poverty, surrounded by rats.

713
00:24:26,508 --> 00:24:28,075
No. That's not a rat, sir.

714
00:24:28,162 --> 00:24:30,817
That is a nine-banded Texas armadillo.

715
00:24:30,904 --> 00:24:32,035
The Texas tank.

716
00:24:32,122 --> 00:24:33,472
Well, this was amazing.

717
00:24:33,559 --> 00:24:34,690
I wish there was more to see.

718
00:24:34,777 --> 00:24:36,083
Oh--oh, there is more!

719
00:24:36,170 --> 00:24:37,519
Oh, wow.

720
00:24:37,606 --> 00:24:40,043
Oh, whoa! - Whoa!

721
00:24:40,130 --> 00:24:43,394
Kenny Rogers stood at least 6 feet tall.

722
00:24:43,482 --> 00:24:45,788
Rumor is, he never looked down on any man,

723
00:24:45,875 --> 00:24:47,834
but every man looked up to him.

724
00:24:47,921 --> 00:24:49,357
Look, look.

725
00:24:49,444 --> 00:24:51,533
I'm big enough that if you skinned me,

726
00:24:51,620 --> 00:24:52,926
Kenny Rogers could wear me.

727
00:24:53,013 --> 00:24:54,144
Your brain works weird.

728
00:24:54,231 --> 00:24:55,276
I like it.

729
00:24:58,975 --> 00:25:02,588
This has all of Kenny's songs in Japanese?

730
00:25:02,675 --> 00:25:04,067
Yep. All of them.

731
00:25:04,154 --> 00:25:05,242
Why?

732
00:25:12,685 --> 00:25:15,296
- Is this a suit that he wore? - Well, this--

733
00:25:15,383 --> 00:25:16,863
just like everything you're about to see--

734
00:25:16,950 --> 00:25:19,561
is something that Kenny actually wore himself

735
00:25:19,648 --> 00:25:22,999
or is a pretty accurate just this side of replica.

736
00:25:23,086 --> 00:25:25,741
This is a replica that Kenny would have worn,

737
00:25:25,828 --> 00:25:28,178
had Kenny worn a replica like this one.

738
00:25:28,265 --> 00:25:29,963
- It would have been this one. - That's right.

739
00:25:52,855 --> 00:25:54,596
Kenny grew up really poor.

740
00:25:54,683 --> 00:25:57,556
He couldn't afford a kitty, so he had a baby goat.

741
00:25:57,643 --> 00:25:59,949
They nicknamed him Smitty.

742
00:26:00,036 --> 00:26:01,560
This goat feels like hard plastic.

743
00:26:01,647 --> 00:26:03,257
Is that what that is? - It is.

744
00:26:03,344 --> 00:26:04,954
That's what that is. This is not even a real goat?

745
00:26:05,041 --> 00:26:06,477
I mean, it's a goat in there, but we lacquered it.

746
00:26:06,565 --> 00:26:07,827
And then after a while it started to delaminate, so--

747
00:26:07,914 --> 00:26:09,306
Magnificent.

748
00:26:09,393 --> 00:26:10,917
Also just a test of, could we laminate a goat?

749
00:26:11,004 --> 00:26:12,309
Yeah.

750
00:26:12,396 --> 00:26:14,007
Well, you never know until you try.

751
00:26:16,487 --> 00:26:18,011
OK.

752
00:26:18,098 --> 00:26:19,142
Hi.

753
00:26:19,229 --> 00:26:20,274
I don't see anybody.

754
00:26:20,361 --> 00:26:21,492
Let's do this quick.

755
00:26:21,580 --> 00:26:23,451
- Ready?

756
00:26:23,538 --> 00:26:26,062
both: One, two, three.

757
00:26:29,500 --> 00:26:31,415
All right. So the plan is, we call--

758
00:26:31,502 --> 00:26:32,895
we call animal control. - Right.

759
00:26:32,982 --> 00:26:33,896
And they come pick this thing up.

760
00:26:33,983 --> 00:26:34,810
- Yeah. - Right?

761
00:26:34,897 --> 00:26:36,246
Yeah.

762
00:26:36,333 --> 00:26:37,770
And it has a very happy life somewhere

763
00:26:37,857 --> 00:26:38,988
in some--in something that looks like

764
00:26:39,075 --> 00:26:40,511
a Tarzan set, right?

765
00:26:40,599 --> 00:26:42,470
Or--or we leave it here, and it just can run free.

766
00:26:42,557 --> 00:26:43,558
That's right. You know, it's like a jungle.

767
00:26:43,645 --> 00:26:44,907
It's like a concrete jungle.

768
00:26:44,994 --> 00:26:46,430
We're releasing the monkey in the concrete--

769
00:26:46,517 --> 00:26:48,084
- Hello? - Hello?

770
00:26:48,171 --> 00:26:49,346
Hello?

771
00:26:49,433 --> 00:26:50,783
- Oh! - Oh, my God.

772
00:26:50,870 --> 00:26:52,132
Oh, my--

773
00:26:52,219 --> 00:26:53,568
- Hey! - Keith!

774
00:26:53,655 --> 00:26:55,004
- Hey, man. - Where am I?

775
00:26:55,091 --> 00:26:56,223
What are you doing in that sack?

776
00:26:56,310 --> 00:26:57,790
What am I doing in that sack?

777
00:26:57,877 --> 00:26:58,834
We got-- what's he doing here?

778
00:26:58,921 --> 00:27:00,531
Did you guys tranq me?

779
00:27:00,619 --> 00:27:02,577
Wait, if you're here, then--

780
00:27:02,664 --> 00:27:04,710
Who'd we drop at the strip club?

781
00:27:07,626 --> 00:27:08,844
You can take me to the strip club.

782
00:27:08,931 --> 00:27:10,063
No, no, no. You stay here.

783
00:27:10,150 --> 00:27:11,064
We should go. We'll check it out.

784
00:27:11,151 --> 00:27:12,021
- Yeah. - We should go.

785
00:27:12,108 --> 00:27:13,283
I got to go home!

786
00:27:13,370 --> 00:27:14,720
I know my wife's worried sick!

787
00:27:14,807 --> 00:27:15,982
She's bigger than me!

788
00:27:18,767 --> 00:27:21,944
Is this what I think this is?

789
00:27:22,031 --> 00:27:25,905
If you think this is Kenny Rogers' bones,

790
00:27:25,992 --> 00:27:27,776
it absolutely is.

791
00:27:27,863 --> 00:27:29,386
Please no flash photography.

792
00:27:32,172 --> 00:27:33,695
I can only keep it open in little spurts,

793
00:27:33,782 --> 00:27:34,827
much like a Caravaggio.

794
00:27:34,914 --> 00:27:36,655
Three, two, one.

795
00:27:36,742 --> 00:27:38,047
Oh, whoa.

796
00:27:38,134 --> 00:27:41,529
We just saw Kenny Rogers' bones.

797
00:27:41,616 --> 00:27:43,096
- That is possible, yes. - Yes.

798
00:27:43,183 --> 00:27:44,358
Can I--should we all switch?

799
00:27:44,445 --> 00:27:45,664
I would love to see the bottom.

800
00:27:45,751 --> 00:27:46,665
Oh, yeah, please see the bottom.

801
00:27:46,752 --> 00:27:50,581
Kenny Rogers' bones.

802
00:27:52,235 --> 00:27:53,062
Please no flash photography.

803
00:27:53,149 --> 00:27:54,237
This side is even better.

804
00:27:54,324 --> 00:27:55,630
The bottom side is incredible.

805
00:27:55,717 --> 00:27:58,024
His voice resonated inside that skull.

806
00:27:58,111 --> 00:28:00,113
There's still cards in his hand.

807
00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:01,897
- Wow. - Yeah.

808
00:28:01,984 --> 00:28:03,986
The kind of cards Kenny Rogers would have held in his hands,

809
00:28:04,073 --> 00:28:05,466
had he died lying down.

810
00:28:05,553 --> 00:28:07,207
Amazing.

811
00:28:07,294 --> 00:28:09,339
I will say, having just seen his wingspan,

812
00:28:09,426 --> 00:28:11,820
this is the full-size Kenny?

813
00:28:11,907 --> 00:28:13,909
We should admit that we do have the same parent company

814
00:28:13,996 --> 00:28:15,519
as the Body World show. - Oh.

815
00:28:15,606 --> 00:28:17,260
- Remember that?

816
00:28:17,347 --> 00:28:18,653
Was that, like, the muscle dudes that played volleyball?

817
00:28:18,740 --> 00:28:19,959
- Yeah. - Exactly.

818
00:28:20,046 --> 00:28:21,438
So there is some cross-pollination where,

819
00:28:21,525 --> 00:28:22,788
you know, well, we share a warehouse.

820
00:28:22,875 --> 00:28:24,267
Sure, of course.

821
00:28:24,354 --> 00:28:25,529
Let's not tug each other's nuts right here.

822
00:28:25,616 --> 00:28:27,053
They may not be Kenny Rogers' bones,

823
00:28:27,140 --> 00:28:28,924
but they remain bones, mostly human bones.

824
00:28:29,011 --> 00:28:30,534
Let's not tug our own nuts.

825
00:28:30,621 --> 00:28:32,362
No.

826
00:28:32,449 --> 00:28:34,974
Let's not allow anyone walking by to get a nut tug.

827
00:28:35,061 --> 00:28:36,802
Bones. - Human bones.

828
00:28:36,889 --> 00:28:38,151
- Kenny Rogers had them. - In the shape--

829
00:28:38,238 --> 00:28:39,935
in the shape of Kenny Rogers.

830
00:28:40,022 --> 00:28:41,154
You know what? I'd kind of like to see

831
00:28:41,241 --> 00:28:42,329
the top half again, would that be OK?

832
00:28:42,416 --> 00:28:44,200
Oh, yeah. Please. Please take your time.

833
00:28:44,287 --> 00:28:46,507
You said pièce de résistance two or three times.

834
00:28:46,594 --> 00:28:48,117
Yeah.

835
00:28:48,204 --> 00:28:50,903
This is clearly the pièce de résistance.

836
00:28:50,990 --> 00:28:52,643
This has been wonderful.

837
00:28:52,731 --> 00:28:54,297
We'll just come by anytime, and you guys can show these?

838
00:28:54,384 --> 00:28:56,299
Any time you got $38, you can come right on by here.

839
00:28:56,386 --> 00:28:57,692
- Again. - Wow.

840
00:29:09,399 --> 00:29:12,620
It's Christmas, and the Reno Junior Deputies program

841
00:29:12,707 --> 00:29:15,492
has never needed your funds more than right now.

842
00:29:15,579 --> 00:29:18,060
Every year y'all have been leaving babies for us,

843
00:29:18,147 --> 00:29:19,758
like some kind of backwards Grinch

844
00:29:19,845 --> 00:29:21,455
who never heard about rubbers.

845
00:29:21,542 --> 00:29:24,153
Well, meet my little friend Freckles here.

846
00:29:24,240 --> 00:29:27,374
After 20 Christmases spent in the Reno Sheriff's Department,

847
00:29:27,461 --> 00:29:29,550
this is little Freckles now.

848
00:29:31,291 --> 00:29:32,422
Good girl, Freckles.

849
00:29:32,509 --> 00:29:33,597
I drank poison.

850
00:29:33,684 --> 00:29:34,729
- No, you didn't. - Just kidding.

851
00:29:34,816 --> 00:29:35,991
No, I didn't.

852
00:29:36,078 --> 00:29:37,601
'Cause I can't, 'cause I'm pregnant.

853
00:29:37,688 --> 00:29:40,300
Freckles, so help me God, just say happy holidays

854
00:29:40,387 --> 00:29:41,692
from the Junior Sheriff's Department,

855
00:29:41,780 --> 00:29:43,477
or I'll smack the shit out of you.

856
00:29:43,564 --> 00:29:45,087
I want you to.

857
00:29:45,174 --> 00:29:46,480
Kill me! - Stop!

858
00:29:46,567 --> 00:29:47,698
- Kill me! - Stop asking me to kill you!

859
00:29:47,786 --> 00:29:49,091
Fucking kill me!

860
00:29:49,178 --> 00:29:49,918
I am not going to kill you, you little--

861
00:29:50,005 --> 00:29:51,485
Suck my dick!

862
00:30:05,760 --> 00:30:07,501
We've been here since 4:00 a.m. this morning,

863
00:30:07,588 --> 00:30:09,416
and it has been my privilege to introduce

864
00:30:09,503 --> 00:30:13,724
the Reno Sheriff's Department to actual police procedure.

865
00:30:13,812 --> 00:30:16,858
Now, I have asked Jones and Cindy to join me today.

866
00:30:16,945 --> 00:30:20,862
Mr. Richnickie of the Sierra Nugget Mall has

867
00:30:20,949 --> 00:30:22,429
had some threatening letters sent to him

868
00:30:22,516 --> 00:30:24,474
saying they're going to steal his silver nugget.

869
00:30:24,561 --> 00:30:28,870
So I have started what we call a string board.

870
00:30:28,957 --> 00:30:31,046
This is how all great crime is solved.

871
00:30:31,133 --> 00:30:34,223
What we're going to do is find possible connections

872
00:30:34,310 --> 00:30:36,704
to the potential theft of the silver nugget,

873
00:30:36,791 --> 00:30:38,924
so if it gets stolen,

874
00:30:39,011 --> 00:30:40,882
and if we figure out who stole it,

875
00:30:40,969 --> 00:30:43,189
perhaps we connect it to something

876
00:30:43,276 --> 00:30:44,712
that fucking matters.

877
00:30:44,799 --> 00:30:47,019
We got OJ.

878
00:30:47,106 --> 00:30:48,368
I don't want to get into it again.

879
00:30:48,455 --> 00:30:50,631
Who did this? What's this?

880
00:30:50,718 --> 00:30:53,286
That's a coconut nut cluster wrapper I put up there.

881
00:30:53,373 --> 00:30:54,417
That--maybe a wrapper--

882
00:30:54,504 --> 00:30:55,592
What's the connection?

883
00:30:55,679 --> 00:30:58,378
Maybe--maybe a wrapper did it.

884
00:30:58,465 --> 00:31:00,771
You're just saying what you think I want to hear.

885
00:31:00,859 --> 00:31:01,685
- Hi. - Hey.

886
00:31:01,772 --> 00:31:02,904
- Hey, Riz. - Hey.

887
00:31:02,991 --> 00:31:04,427
What's up? - Sorry I'm late.

888
00:31:04,514 --> 00:31:06,777
Oh, you here to work on it?

889
00:31:06,865 --> 00:31:08,257
You just told me to show up here.

890
00:31:08,344 --> 00:31:09,737
You know who could be guilty?

891
00:31:09,824 --> 00:31:11,434
Oh, good. Yes. Who?

892
00:31:11,521 --> 00:31:14,481
In Reno, almost...

893
00:31:14,568 --> 00:31:15,961
everyone.

894
00:31:16,048 --> 00:31:18,050
All right. No.

895
00:31:20,748 --> 00:31:22,358
- Oh, no. - Oh, Lord.

896
00:31:22,445 --> 00:31:24,186
- Merry Christmas! - Yep. It's Big Mike.

897
00:31:24,273 --> 00:31:25,753
Is he huffing on them fumes?

898
00:31:25,840 --> 00:31:27,668
Sheriff's Department, Mike.

899
00:31:27,755 --> 00:31:28,408
He's got a flocker. - He's got a flocker.

900
00:31:28,495 --> 00:31:30,018
Got a flocker.

901
00:31:30,105 --> 00:31:31,541
Mike, put that flocking gun down.

902
00:31:33,717 --> 00:31:34,936
Whoa! Mike! Hey!

903
00:31:35,023 --> 00:31:36,546
Whoa! Hey! Hey!

904
00:31:36,633 --> 00:31:38,113
Hey. Stop it!

905
00:31:38,200 --> 00:31:39,462
Don't--have you been huffing that?

906
00:31:39,549 --> 00:31:40,681
- Everyone is so-- - You can't--

907
00:31:40,768 --> 00:31:41,900
Mike, don't huff that. Don't huff that.

908
00:31:41,987 --> 00:31:43,858
Mike, that's bad for your health.

909
00:31:46,121 --> 00:31:47,775
I'm a monster!

910
00:31:47,862 --> 00:31:48,950
Right. - Mike, stop it.

911
00:31:49,037 --> 00:31:50,386
- Mike, stop. - Mike, stop it!

912
00:31:50,473 --> 00:31:52,040
Stop it! Stop it!

913
00:31:52,127 --> 00:31:53,650
- What is that stuff? - Hey, I'll flock you--

914
00:31:53,737 --> 00:31:54,782
I'll flock you up.

915
00:31:54,869 --> 00:31:55,739
I'm fucking--do it.

916
00:31:55,826 --> 00:31:57,132
Give me--give me one.

917
00:31:57,219 --> 00:31:59,221
Give him the snowball.

918
00:31:59,308 --> 00:32:00,744
Here you go. - Hey!

919
00:32:00,831 --> 00:32:04,183
Guess what kind of call we got on the telephone.

920
00:32:04,270 --> 00:32:05,706
Man partying in a parking lot?

921
00:32:05,793 --> 00:32:06,794
- No. - No.

922
00:32:06,881 --> 00:32:08,491
Man having a sale?

923
00:32:08,578 --> 00:32:11,712
Man selling flocked Halloween ornaments

924
00:32:11,799 --> 00:32:13,453
at discount price?

925
00:32:13,540 --> 00:32:15,629
This is definitely all the stuff that got stolen

926
00:32:15,716 --> 00:32:17,413
from the Halloween stuff. - Oh, yeah, 100%.

927
00:32:17,500 --> 00:32:19,546
I recognize that spider 'cause I wanted it,

928
00:32:19,633 --> 00:32:21,243
and it was $64. - Well, how much is it now?

929
00:32:21,330 --> 00:32:22,549
Hey, Mike?

930
00:32:22,636 --> 00:32:23,680
Mike, how much is the spider?

931
00:32:23,767 --> 00:32:26,422
21.99 for the spider.

932
00:32:26,509 --> 00:32:27,554
Really?

933
00:32:27,641 --> 00:32:28,947
For the whole spider?

934
00:32:29,034 --> 00:32:30,687
Think up on top of your Christmas tree.

935
00:32:30,774 --> 00:32:32,254
That sounds like a pretty good idea.

936
00:32:32,341 --> 00:32:34,474
21.99 for me.

937
00:32:34,561 --> 00:32:35,692
Mike, what happened to that vehicle over there?

938
00:32:35,779 --> 00:32:37,607
That's my race car.

939
00:32:37,694 --> 00:32:39,174
- Is that your vehicle? - Yes.

940
00:32:39,261 --> 00:32:40,175
And the paperwork would be in it

941
00:32:40,262 --> 00:32:41,568
that would show that this belongs

942
00:32:41,655 --> 00:32:43,265
to Big Mike, and not Brenda?

943
00:32:43,352 --> 00:32:45,050
Wait a minute. Did Brenda help you

944
00:32:45,137 --> 00:32:46,790
steal everything from the Halloween stuff,

945
00:32:46,877 --> 00:32:48,270
and--stop it, Mike! Mike.

946
00:32:48,357 --> 00:32:49,228
Mike. Mike. Mike.

947
00:32:49,315 --> 00:32:50,533
Stop it.

948
00:32:50,620 --> 00:32:52,274
Is Brenda dead in the trunk?

949
00:32:52,361 --> 00:32:55,886
Brenda was called to serve the Lord.

950
00:32:55,974 --> 00:32:58,324
That's why she moved to Hot Springs, Arkansas.

951
00:32:58,411 --> 00:32:59,760
To serve the Lord. - She was not with you

952
00:32:59,847 --> 00:33:01,196
when you robbed the Halloween store?

953
00:33:01,283 --> 00:33:03,590
No! Absolutely not!

954
00:33:03,677 --> 00:33:05,896
I've met Brenda, and she's a godless troll.

955
00:33:05,984 --> 00:33:07,202
Well, that's what happened.

956
00:33:07,289 --> 00:33:08,247
See, those make the best preachers.

957
00:33:08,334 --> 00:33:10,640
The ones that start out as whores

958
00:33:10,727 --> 00:33:12,860
and drug dealers and pedophiles

959
00:33:12,947 --> 00:33:15,471
and ass-rapers and dick smokers,

960
00:33:15,558 --> 00:33:16,820
and then they go,

961
00:33:16,907 --> 00:33:18,300
I'm dub--done with my dicks.

962
00:33:18,387 --> 00:33:20,694
I'm going up there for the Lord.

963
00:33:20,781 --> 00:33:22,130
And she has a kennel--

964
00:33:22,217 --> 00:33:23,436
I'm going to need to check that vehicle.

965
00:33:23,523 --> 00:33:25,220
She has--no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

966
00:33:25,307 --> 00:33:26,613
You don't got to check that kennel.

967
00:33:26,700 --> 00:33:27,744
I'm happy for her, actually.

968
00:33:27,831 --> 00:33:30,617
She's doing so well.

969
00:33:33,663 --> 00:33:34,577
Well.

970
00:33:34,664 --> 00:33:36,014
Found her.

971
00:33:36,101 --> 00:33:37,058
Yeah, Brenda's in there.

972
00:33:37,145 --> 00:33:38,407
- Let's go, Mike. - All right.

973
00:33:38,494 --> 00:33:39,669
Good Lord.

974
00:33:39,756 --> 00:33:41,236
I'm going to throw up real quick.

975
00:33:41,323 --> 00:33:42,063
Do you think we have time to stop

976
00:33:42,150 --> 00:33:43,586
by the Thanksgiving store?

977
00:33:43,673 --> 00:33:44,718
Absolutely.

978
00:33:48,722 --> 00:33:50,245
OK.

979
00:33:50,332 --> 00:33:51,942
We've been here for about nine hours

980
00:33:52,030 --> 00:33:55,207
working on the string board, and we are making progress.

981
00:33:55,294 --> 00:33:57,078
Uh, guys, you want to run through

982
00:33:57,165 --> 00:33:58,732
what we've excluded so far?

983
00:33:58,819 --> 00:34:00,995
Jesus, devo, oj,

984
00:34:01,082 --> 00:34:02,953
Mark Fuhrman, the Black Dahlia.

985
00:34:03,041 --> 00:34:05,739
We also--remember, we found out that's not

986
00:34:05,826 --> 00:34:07,610
a--that's not a microchip.

987
00:34:07,697 --> 00:34:09,090
It's seaweed.

988
00:34:09,177 --> 00:34:10,874
I knew that going in.

989
00:34:10,961 --> 00:34:14,052
But we have eliminated some of these possibilities.

990
00:34:14,139 --> 00:34:16,358
It's come to my attention, uh,

991
00:34:16,445 --> 00:34:18,447
that I think we have not been looking

992
00:34:18,534 --> 00:34:21,494
at--where there's smoke, there's sometimes fire.

993
00:34:21,581 --> 00:34:24,714
And I know everyone said they don't know Mr. Richnickie,

994
00:34:24,801 --> 00:34:26,629
is that correct?

995
00:34:26,716 --> 00:34:28,370
- Yeah. - Mm.

996
00:34:28,457 --> 00:34:30,981
I mean, you know him, because Reno's not a big town.

997
00:34:31,069 --> 00:34:31,852
I mean, I know him. - Not a big town.

998
00:34:31,939 --> 00:34:33,636
I wouldn't say that.

999
00:34:33,723 --> 00:34:34,898
Jim, I will say we're on the same bowling team.

1000
00:34:34,985 --> 00:34:35,638
You're on the same bowling team.

1001
00:34:35,725 --> 00:34:37,423
It's right there.

1002
00:34:37,510 --> 00:34:41,122
So you obviously know that Richnickie and I

1003
00:34:41,209 --> 00:34:43,820
own a balance beam and jump rope play place,

1004
00:34:43,907 --> 00:34:45,648
which is not thriving.

1005
00:34:45,735 --> 00:34:48,434
And, um--so what?

1006
00:34:48,521 --> 00:34:49,696
I know him.

1007
00:34:49,783 --> 00:34:51,001
And I have a small business with him.

1008
00:34:51,089 --> 00:34:52,612
And he owes me some money.

1009
00:34:52,699 --> 00:34:54,222
We were in a band.

1010
00:34:54,309 --> 00:34:57,660
We dated the same woman for...

1011
00:34:57,747 --> 00:34:59,227
a little while.

1012
00:34:59,314 --> 00:35:01,229
And that woman was my mother.

1013
00:35:01,316 --> 00:35:03,536
And the, uh, third investor

1014
00:35:03,623 --> 00:35:06,582
in my balance beam and jump rope business.

1015
00:35:06,669 --> 00:35:09,150
To be clear, I think what interested her

1016
00:35:09,237 --> 00:35:12,110
is the low overhead and the small initial investment.

1017
00:35:12,197 --> 00:35:13,894
It is a great idea.

1018
00:35:13,981 --> 00:35:17,158
Then why do you need so much money from other people?

1019
00:35:17,245 --> 00:35:18,420
Because I'm generous.

1020
00:35:18,507 --> 00:35:20,118
We should take all these guys down--

1021
00:35:20,205 --> 00:35:21,728
Oh--oh, I don't know about that!

1022
00:35:21,815 --> 00:35:22,990
- And put up all of us. - No, no, no, no, no.

1023
00:35:23,077 --> 00:35:24,513
This is-- - Declan!

1024
00:35:24,600 --> 00:35:26,167
- Like, even as a background-- - Holy shit.

1025
00:35:26,254 --> 00:35:27,168
Guys, guys, guys. Sorry.

1026
00:35:27,255 --> 00:35:28,648
I think I found a clue.

1027
00:35:28,735 --> 00:35:30,345
Listen, I don't know if it has something to do

1028
00:35:30,432 --> 00:35:31,477
with these notes or not, but I found this

1029
00:35:31,564 --> 00:35:33,479
in the parking lot and I think it's a clue.

1030
00:35:33,566 --> 00:35:35,437
Pig in a jar! - Yes, it's a clue!

1031
00:35:35,524 --> 00:35:37,004
We don't get this every day. It's a clue.

1032
00:35:37,091 --> 00:35:38,875
It's not just a clue.

1033
00:35:38,962 --> 00:35:40,486
It's also a warning.

1034
00:35:40,573 --> 00:35:42,183
How many pigs are there supposed to be in the story?

1035
00:35:42,270 --> 00:35:43,924
- Three. - How many aren't here?

1036
00:35:44,011 --> 00:35:45,752
Two.

1037
00:35:45,839 --> 00:35:48,102
Someone who should be an ally is, in fact--

1038
00:35:48,189 --> 00:35:49,364
Someone with two faces.

1039
00:35:49,451 --> 00:35:51,061
- Someone-- - A two-faced pig

1040
00:35:51,149 --> 00:35:52,411
is betraying the other two pigs.

1041
00:35:52,498 --> 00:35:53,455
And a piggy-- where does piggy go?

1042
00:35:53,542 --> 00:35:55,153
Where does the piggy go? - The market.

1043
00:35:55,240 --> 00:35:56,328
Went to the market!

1044
00:35:56,415 --> 00:35:58,547
Guys, what do people call us?

1045
00:35:58,634 --> 00:35:59,809
Pigs.

1046
00:35:59,896 --> 00:36:01,811
We need to go to the market.

1047
00:36:01,898 --> 00:36:05,119
These little piggies go to market.

1048
00:36:05,206 --> 00:36:06,903
I cracked it! I grassed it.

1049
00:36:06,990 --> 00:36:08,340
Fantastic.

1050
00:36:08,427 --> 00:36:09,645
You're undercover, we're all-- - Hey, guys?

1051
00:36:09,732 --> 00:36:11,081
- Yeah. - The board works.

1052
00:36:11,169 --> 00:36:11,778
The board did work.

1053
00:36:11,865 --> 00:36:13,780
There it is!

1054
00:36:13,867 --> 00:36:16,043
What are you guys doing messing with my face soup?

1055
00:36:16,130 --> 00:36:18,045
I put it outside 'cause it needs to cook in the sun,

1056
00:36:18,132 --> 00:36:19,699
like sun tea.

1057
00:36:19,786 --> 00:36:20,874
That's why I left it in the parking lot.

1058
00:36:20,961 --> 00:36:22,354
So this is not a clue that we're supposed

1059
00:36:22,441 --> 00:36:24,356
to go down to the market? - No!

1060
00:36:24,443 --> 00:36:26,096
White people, always taking your stuff.

1061
00:36:26,184 --> 00:36:27,446
- Yes. - Am I right?

1062
00:36:27,533 --> 00:36:28,708
Yes, they do.

1063
00:36:28,795 --> 00:36:30,188
Yes, they do. - Face soup.

1064
00:36:30,275 --> 00:36:31,363
Face soup.

1065
00:36:31,450 --> 00:36:33,408
- Face soup. - You know what?

1066
00:36:33,495 --> 00:36:34,366
Now that I think about it, I've seen your ads

1067
00:36:34,453 --> 00:36:35,671
for it on Facebook. - Yeah.

1068
00:36:37,369 --> 00:36:38,370
- Ooh. - Just a weird odor.

1069
00:36:38,457 --> 00:36:40,067
I like it. Oh, I like it.

1070
00:36:40,154 --> 00:36:41,111
Oh, that feels good.

1071
00:36:41,199 --> 00:36:42,461
Ugh!

1072
00:36:42,548 --> 00:36:43,940
It's-- it burns the back of my throat.

1073
00:36:44,027 --> 00:36:45,377
My whole mouth is cold.

1074
00:36:45,464 --> 00:36:46,291
I mean, it's got a nose-- there's a little

1075
00:36:46,378 --> 00:36:48,031
bit of nose in mine.

1076
00:36:50,077 --> 00:36:54,299
<i>It's another beautiful day at the Sierra Nugget Mall.</i>

1077
00:36:55,822 --> 00:36:56,823
Thank you, ma'am.

1078
00:36:56,910 --> 00:36:57,867
Tell your friends who have money

1079
00:36:57,954 --> 00:36:59,739
to come back and see us. - Yes.

1080
00:36:59,826 --> 00:37:01,349
Kenny Rogers!

1081
00:37:01,436 --> 00:37:02,263
- Kenny Rogers. - Hello.

1082
00:37:02,350 --> 00:37:04,309
Right this way, go ahead. - Hello.

1083
00:37:04,396 --> 00:37:05,658
- Sheriff's Department. - Hey.

1084
00:37:05,745 --> 00:37:07,225
Guess who is back. - Ugh.

1085
00:37:07,312 --> 00:37:08,269
Ugh, son of a bitch.

1086
00:37:08,356 --> 00:37:09,531
Come on, man.

1087
00:37:09,618 --> 00:37:10,880
I saw them. They came through.

1088
00:37:10,967 --> 00:37:12,534
<i>Hola!</i>

1089
00:37:12,621 --> 00:37:13,535
- Past the dino, and-- - <i>Donde esta?</i>

1090
00:37:13,622 --> 00:37:14,797
Come out, come out. Hello.

1091
00:37:14,884 --> 00:37:16,625
<i>Donde esta?</i> Hello.

1092
00:37:16,712 --> 00:37:18,018
You never know where she's going to be.

1093
00:37:18,105 --> 00:37:19,193
- All right. - Hello?

1094
00:37:19,280 --> 00:37:21,935
Ahh!

1095
00:37:22,022 --> 00:37:23,458
How y'all doing?

1096
00:37:23,545 --> 00:37:25,243
Nope, nope.

1097
00:37:25,330 --> 00:37:26,287
Be a lady. Come on, now.

1098
00:37:26,374 --> 00:37:27,680
Get away from me, ghost!

1099
00:37:27,767 --> 00:37:28,811
No, no--give me that leg.

1100
00:37:32,119 --> 00:37:33,120
No, no.

1101
00:37:33,207 --> 00:37:34,600
Slow--no running!

1102
00:37:34,687 --> 00:37:35,992
Get over here, T.T.!

1103
00:37:36,079 --> 00:37:36,776
Uh-uh. No.

1104
00:37:36,863 --> 00:37:38,473
No. No, t.t.

1105
00:37:38,560 --> 00:37:39,213
- That's a weapon. - T.T., stop.

1106
00:37:41,041 --> 00:37:42,521
Don't let her into that one.

1107
00:37:42,608 --> 00:37:43,957
She's got high ground. - Ahh!

1108
00:37:44,044 --> 00:37:44,914
Ahh! Easy.

1109
00:37:45,001 --> 00:37:47,177
No. No. No.

1110
00:37:47,265 --> 00:37:48,309
Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

1111
00:37:48,396 --> 00:37:49,615
Don't hit the cock!

1112
00:37:49,702 --> 00:37:50,398
Oh, sh--

1113
00:37:50,485 --> 00:37:51,834
Let's take a break.

1114
00:37:51,921 --> 00:37:53,358
It's a ghost.

1115
00:37:53,445 --> 00:37:55,142
It's a ghost in there. - A ghost?

1116
00:37:55,229 --> 00:37:56,274
- In here? - A ghost?

1117
00:37:56,361 --> 00:37:58,058
- A ghost. - Come on, now.

1118
00:37:58,145 --> 00:37:59,277
- What's the spirit look like? - A old white lady.

1119
00:37:59,364 --> 00:38:00,669
- Old white lady.

1120
00:38:00,756 --> 00:38:02,323
Leave that ghost alone, T.T.

1121
00:38:02,410 --> 00:38:03,368
Don't beat up the ghost.

1122
00:38:03,455 --> 00:38:04,804
- No, no, no, no! - No, t.t.!

1123
00:38:04,891 --> 00:38:06,719
Get away from me, you old ghost!

1124
00:38:06,806 --> 00:38:07,546
- Don't go behind there! - No, no, no, no, no.

1125
00:38:07,633 --> 00:38:08,503
Don't go behind there!

1126
00:38:08,590 --> 00:38:09,548
No, no, no!

1127
00:38:09,635 --> 00:38:10,984
Where did she go?

1128
00:38:11,071 --> 00:38:12,638
Get away from here, you old white lady ghost!

1129
00:38:12,725 --> 00:38:14,204
- No. - I see her!

1130
00:38:14,292 --> 00:38:15,945
She's right here in the front!

1131
00:38:16,032 --> 00:38:16,990
I got her.

1132
00:38:18,165 --> 00:38:19,471
Hey, stop it!

1133
00:38:21,386 --> 00:38:22,996
Hey!

1134
00:38:26,173 --> 00:38:27,696
Hey, hey!

1135
00:38:27,783 --> 00:38:28,393
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - Hi, guys!

1136
00:38:28,480 --> 00:38:29,611
Dangle!

1137
00:38:29,698 --> 00:38:31,178
Did you get the call, or--

1138
00:38:31,265 --> 00:38:32,397
About the ghost?

1139
00:38:32,484 --> 00:38:34,007
No, t.t.

1140
00:38:34,094 --> 00:38:35,487
T.T.'s in here. - Oh, no, no, no, no.

1141
00:38:35,574 --> 00:38:37,053
Oh, I'm sorry, guys. No, no.

1142
00:38:37,140 --> 00:38:38,881
I've been using this place instead of a gym.

1143
00:38:38,968 --> 00:38:41,754
Uh, the fancy gyms want $20, $30 a month.

1144
00:38:41,841 --> 00:38:43,059
I'm not going to pay that. - Yeah.

1145
00:38:43,146 --> 00:38:44,104
I can come here.

1146
00:38:44,191 --> 00:38:45,105
I'm getting exploded.

1147
00:38:46,411 --> 00:38:47,586
- Stop! - No!

1148
00:38:47,673 --> 00:38:49,283
I got to do, like, three more laps.

1149
00:38:49,370 --> 00:38:50,850
So I wish you bonne chance,

1150
00:38:50,937 --> 00:38:52,417
and please watch out for the ghost.

1151
00:38:52,504 --> 00:38:53,331
I'm going in.

1152
00:38:54,767 --> 00:38:55,768
- All right. We lost her. - We lost her.

1153
00:38:58,161 --> 00:38:59,075
Oh, I got her.

1154
00:38:59,162 --> 00:39:00,163
I got her!

1155
00:39:00,250 --> 00:39:03,602
Happy birthday, Eddie!

1156
00:39:03,689 --> 00:39:06,169
Did they do the birthday cake yet?

1157
00:39:06,256 --> 00:39:10,173
I hid in the maze like they told me.

1158
00:39:10,260 --> 00:39:14,264
OK, um, why don't you wait for Eddie?

1159
00:39:14,352 --> 00:39:15,831
Psst. Psst. Come here.

1160
00:39:15,918 --> 00:39:17,398
Come here, come here, come here, come here.

1161
00:39:17,485 --> 00:39:19,008
That wristband she has on?

1162
00:39:19,095 --> 00:39:20,923
We haven't sold that color for, like, two years.

1163
00:39:23,970 --> 00:39:25,363
- Old white lady ghost. - Old white lady ghost.

1164
00:39:25,450 --> 00:39:26,538
- Yeah. - Go, go, go.

1165
00:39:26,625 --> 00:39:28,453
No, no, no. Don't leave me.

1166
00:39:30,150 --> 00:39:31,804
Hi, ghost!

1167
00:39:37,505 --> 00:39:38,724
Father Nicholas has left me

1168
00:39:38,811 --> 00:39:40,856
a splendid box this Christmas morrow,

1169
00:39:40,943 --> 00:39:43,642
and inside, just what I asked for--

1170
00:39:43,729 --> 00:39:45,426
a real boy.

1171
00:41:03,199 --> 00:41:06,899
I quite frankly think that Mr. Richnickie

1172
00:41:06,986 --> 00:41:09,162
might be making up the whole ransom note thing,

1173
00:41:09,249 --> 00:41:10,903
and someone wanting to steal a silver nugget.

1174
00:41:10,990 --> 00:41:12,600
I do.

1175
00:41:12,687 --> 00:41:15,255
And I can't blame him, because I once sent

1176
00:41:15,342 --> 00:41:19,128
ransom notes to my own parents,

1177
00:41:19,215 --> 00:41:21,435
pretending like I had been kidnapped.

1178
00:41:21,522 --> 00:41:24,873
And they did not respond.

1179
00:41:27,963 --> 00:41:29,791
You know, I did some background on Richnickie,

1180
00:41:29,878 --> 00:41:31,445
and I don't know if this is something,

1181
00:41:31,532 --> 00:41:32,620
but I think it might be.

1182
00:41:32,707 --> 00:41:34,230
20 years ago, he had a car wash,

1183
00:41:34,317 --> 00:41:36,232
and the way he used to get people to come to the car wash

1184
00:41:36,319 --> 00:41:39,540
was he had some rhodium displayed

1185
00:41:39,627 --> 00:41:41,411
in a Plexiglass case.

1186
00:41:41,499 --> 00:41:44,110
If you don't know, rhodium is the most precious metal.

1187
00:41:44,197 --> 00:41:46,286
It got stolen as well.

1188
00:41:48,244 --> 00:41:49,637
Anything?

1189
00:41:49,724 --> 00:41:51,073
Hi, how are you today?

1190
00:41:51,160 --> 00:41:52,422
There you go.

1191
00:41:52,510 --> 00:41:53,902
All right.

1192
00:41:53,989 --> 00:41:55,164
Now, you're not going to believe it.

1193
00:41:55,251 --> 00:41:56,470
That's the Sierra Nugget.

1194
00:41:56,557 --> 00:41:57,863
Can you believe it?

1195
00:41:59,604 --> 00:42:01,127
She's my pride and joy,

1196
00:42:01,214 --> 00:42:03,085
and she's insured for a fortune.

1197
00:42:03,172 --> 00:42:04,870
Beautiful.

1198
00:42:11,311 --> 00:42:14,532
We have been in the Christmas pageant

1199
00:42:14,619 --> 00:42:17,883
a whole bunch of times, and it was a'ight.

1200
00:42:17,970 --> 00:42:20,320
But now-- Get ready for this,

1201
00:42:20,407 --> 00:42:22,540
because Dangle came up with an idea

1202
00:42:22,627 --> 00:42:25,238
for us to top what we did last year.

1203
00:42:25,325 --> 00:42:27,980
We got live doves!

1204
00:42:28,067 --> 00:42:29,590
Live doves.

1205
00:42:29,677 --> 00:42:33,942
There is a website called CelebrationDovesOhMyMy.org.

1206
00:42:34,029 --> 00:42:36,423
We have, uh, dove catchers ready to go.

1207
00:42:36,510 --> 00:42:37,772
- Yep. - Dove Station Alpha.

1208
00:42:37,859 --> 00:42:38,904
- Doves fly out. - Check.

1209
00:42:38,991 --> 00:42:40,166
Check. Hey.

1210
00:42:40,253 --> 00:42:41,776
Ho ho ho. - Dove Station Zebra.

1211
00:42:41,863 --> 00:42:43,082
Check.

1212
00:42:43,169 --> 00:42:45,606
After the Christ child is born--

1213
00:42:45,693 --> 00:42:47,434
I'm the Christ child, of course--

1214
00:42:47,521 --> 00:42:50,437
we will then release the doves.

1215
00:42:50,524 --> 00:42:51,481
Get ready. Right, we all ready?

1216
00:42:51,569 --> 00:42:53,701
Y'all get ready.

1217
00:42:53,788 --> 00:42:54,963
It's got bubble wrap.

1218
00:42:55,050 --> 00:42:56,051
Save the bubble wrap.

1219
00:42:56,138 --> 00:42:57,487
I like--I like bubble wrap.

1220
00:42:59,315 --> 00:43:00,839
Huh.

1221
00:43:00,926 --> 00:43:03,145
One alive, one frozen alive, one dozen.

1222
00:43:03,232 --> 00:43:06,714
There's lots and lots of them, and they're very cold.

1223
00:43:06,801 --> 00:43:10,109
It says you have to reheat the dove.

1224
00:43:10,196 --> 00:43:12,154
They came over in a shipping container, right?

1225
00:43:12,241 --> 00:43:13,765
Oh, that makes sense. Oh, look at him.

1226
00:43:13,852 --> 00:43:15,070
He's walking around, and then he's flying.

1227
00:43:15,157 --> 00:43:16,768
This is not--actually not that hard.

1228
00:43:16,855 --> 00:43:21,511
All we got to do is warm up, uh, 120 frozen solid doves.

1229
00:43:21,599 --> 00:43:22,904
I'll stick it down my shirt.

1230
00:43:22,991 --> 00:43:23,992
That always works on everybody.

1231
00:43:24,079 --> 00:43:25,254
I'll try that.

1232
00:43:25,341 --> 00:43:28,344
Once they start waking up,

1233
00:43:28,431 --> 00:43:30,085
be ready.

1234
00:43:30,172 --> 00:43:32,261
Jim, I got to say, I think these are dead.

1235
00:43:32,348 --> 00:43:33,393
- They're just flash frozen. - No.

1236
00:43:33,480 --> 00:43:34,960
Mine is not coming back yet.

1237
00:43:35,047 --> 00:43:38,790
If anything, it's like it's necrofying my skin.

1238
00:43:38,877 --> 00:43:40,356
- Oh, my God. - I heard this is how

1239
00:43:40,443 --> 00:43:42,010
the first avian flu started, by the way.

1240
00:43:42,097 --> 00:43:43,533
That's probably very, very true.

1241
00:43:45,318 --> 00:43:47,755
Oh, oh, oh, oh.

1242
00:43:47,842 --> 00:43:49,409
No, no.

1243
00:43:49,496 --> 00:43:51,019
Ooh!

1244
00:43:51,106 --> 00:43:52,586
Oh, my gosh.

1245
00:43:52,673 --> 00:43:53,979
Starting to smell like chicken.

1246
00:43:54,066 --> 00:43:55,850
- Any luck? - No.

1247
00:43:55,937 --> 00:43:58,331
Well, I thought I saw something move, but--

1248
00:43:58,418 --> 00:43:59,811
I had--I had a little feeling

1249
00:43:59,898 --> 00:44:01,595
on this guy for a minute.

1250
00:44:01,682 --> 00:44:03,336
Wait.

1251
00:44:03,423 --> 00:44:04,467
No.

1252
00:44:04,554 --> 00:44:05,686
So close, so close.

1253
00:44:05,773 --> 00:44:06,818
Wait.

1254
00:44:08,254 --> 00:44:09,864
Nope. I'll be back.

1255
00:44:09,951 --> 00:44:11,779
Keep the faith.

1256
00:44:17,045 --> 00:44:19,091
My worst experience with the Junior Deputies

1257
00:44:19,178 --> 00:44:21,571
was when I got taken hostage by them.

1258
00:44:21,659 --> 00:44:23,443
Their demands were they wanted

1259
00:44:23,530 --> 00:44:25,967
better living conditions and food.

1260
00:44:26,054 --> 00:44:29,014
I got released once we agreed to expand their kennels

1261
00:44:29,101 --> 00:44:31,190
by 25 square feet

1262
00:44:31,277 --> 00:44:33,714
and raised the fill line on their dishes

1263
00:44:33,801 --> 00:44:35,890
by an inch.

1264
00:44:35,977 --> 00:44:40,155
Have a lot of our adult deputies gotten hurt

1265
00:44:40,242 --> 00:44:41,417
by the Junior Deputies?

1266
00:44:41,504 --> 00:44:43,289
Of course.

1267
00:44:43,376 --> 00:44:45,378
Did Trudy get rabies from one of the Junior Deputies?

1268
00:44:45,465 --> 00:44:47,206
Yes.

1269
00:44:47,293 --> 00:44:48,903
These are youngsters, often, that were maybe left

1270
00:44:48,990 --> 00:44:54,343
at the station, and you can't judge them

1271
00:44:54,430 --> 00:44:56,258
the way you would a normal person.

1272
00:44:56,345 --> 00:44:58,086
And we've asked a judge to do that many times.

1273
00:44:58,173 --> 00:44:59,827
And they say, no, these are children.

1274
00:45:06,791 --> 00:45:09,619
Aaand away we go!

1275
00:45:09,707 --> 00:45:11,578
Hi, Junior Deputies.

1276
00:45:11,665 --> 00:45:15,234
My name is Deputy Trudy Wiegel,

1277
00:45:15,321 --> 00:45:20,326
and I am going to take you on this magical sleigh ride

1278
00:45:20,413 --> 00:45:24,678
to see a wowser of a holiday pageant.

1279
00:45:24,765 --> 00:45:26,724
Which was written by my friend

1280
00:45:26,811 --> 00:45:30,902
and sometimes lover, Jim Dangle.

1281
00:45:30,989 --> 00:45:32,294
Sir, I'm gonna--

1282
00:45:32,381 --> 00:45:34,296
I'm gonna need to have you sit down.

1283
00:45:34,383 --> 00:45:36,821
Um, OK.

1284
00:45:36,908 --> 00:45:40,215
It's ma'am, but obviously that's apparent.

1285
00:45:40,302 --> 00:45:42,478
We stay in our seats because this

1286
00:45:42,565 --> 00:45:45,307
is the safest bus in the West.

1287
00:45:45,394 --> 00:45:49,181
When I say safest bus, you say the--

1288
00:45:50,878 --> 00:45:52,314
Did some--

1289
00:45:52,401 --> 00:45:53,968
did somebody bring nuts on this bus?

1290
00:45:55,578 --> 00:45:58,494
This is a nut-free z--zone.

1291
00:45:58,581 --> 00:46:00,061
Ahh!

1292
00:46:00,148 --> 00:46:01,671
You're a nut-free zone, right?

1293
00:46:01,759 --> 00:46:03,630
What the hell?

1294
00:46:06,241 --> 00:46:08,548
I'm deathly a--

1295
00:46:08,635 --> 00:46:12,117
allergic to n--nuts!

1296
00:46:12,204 --> 00:46:13,509
She's very dramatic.

1297
00:46:14,684 --> 00:46:15,729
Holy shit!

1298
00:46:18,950 --> 00:46:20,908
Are you OK?

1299
00:46:20,995 --> 00:46:23,476
Oh, my God, that's so gross.

1300
00:46:29,569 --> 00:46:30,657
Ahh!

1301
00:46:30,744 --> 00:46:33,138
Ahh! Ahh!

1302
00:46:46,368 --> 00:46:48,544
Declan's got an idea.

1303
00:46:48,631 --> 00:46:50,329
We're going to try tasing the dead dove.

1304
00:46:50,416 --> 00:46:52,070
I'm only doing this because I wanted to get out

1305
00:46:52,157 --> 00:46:53,723
of the briefing room, where everybody

1306
00:46:53,811 --> 00:46:55,595
has a dove in their crotch.

1307
00:46:58,859 --> 00:47:00,600
Really?

1308
00:47:00,687 --> 00:47:02,384
Is it stuck?

1309
00:47:02,471 --> 00:47:04,256
No.

1310
00:47:04,343 --> 00:47:05,474
I can help you with that later, if you like.

1311
00:47:05,561 --> 00:47:06,867
I'm good.

1312
00:47:12,003 --> 00:47:13,874
Ta-dah!

1313
00:47:13,961 --> 00:47:16,311
So we went in the evidence room

1314
00:47:16,398 --> 00:47:19,532
and got a little bit of the white lady.

1315
00:47:19,619 --> 00:47:22,100
A little bit of, uh, yo-yo.

1316
00:47:22,187 --> 00:47:25,016
A little bit of the white horse.

1317
00:47:25,103 --> 00:47:27,322
A little bit of that, uh, Bea Arthur.

1318
00:47:28,671 --> 00:47:29,629
Cocaine, if y'all don't know.

1319
00:47:29,716 --> 00:47:30,848
We--we got some cocaine.

1320
00:47:30,935 --> 00:47:32,937
Uh, Cloris Leachman.

1321
00:47:34,634 --> 00:47:35,896
Is that the nose?

1322
00:47:35,983 --> 00:47:38,072
Here you go, little birdie.

1323
00:47:39,769 --> 00:47:41,206
OK, now, let me make him snort it.

1324
00:47:41,293 --> 00:47:42,947
Hold on, hold on, hold on.

1325
00:47:44,513 --> 00:47:45,645
Oh!

1326
00:47:51,129 --> 00:47:52,913
Heard you guys gave c--cocaine to the--

1327
00:47:53,000 --> 00:47:55,002
- Yeah. - Yeah, cool.

1328
00:47:55,089 --> 00:47:56,395
This guy's coming along. This guy's coming pretty good.

1329
00:47:56,482 --> 00:47:57,483
Is it happening?

1330
00:47:57,570 --> 00:47:58,919
I think so, yeah.

1331
00:47:59,006 --> 00:48:00,878
- Jim, you want a little? - I would. I would.

1332
00:48:00,965 --> 00:48:01,879
Are we talking about that, or are we just doing it?

1333
00:48:01,966 --> 00:48:02,749
Yeah. Yeah.

1334
00:48:02,836 --> 00:48:05,317
Mm-hmm.

1335
00:48:05,404 --> 00:48:06,884
I think that helped. I think that did help.

1336
00:48:06,971 --> 00:48:08,233
Oh, that definitely helped.

1337
00:48:08,320 --> 00:48:09,843
- You or the dove? - Everybody.

1338
00:48:09,930 --> 00:48:11,236
Everybody. Everybody.

1339
00:48:11,323 --> 00:48:12,890
A little of that Barbara Bush.

1340
00:48:13,934 --> 00:48:15,283
- Let it go. - Yeah.

1341
00:48:27,382 --> 00:48:29,341
Hey.

1342
00:48:29,428 --> 00:48:31,169
If you've got some loose pocket change this holiday,

1343
00:48:31,256 --> 00:48:33,780
see how much change you can really make by helping out

1344
00:48:33,867 --> 00:48:35,738
the Junior Deputies program

1345
00:48:35,825 --> 00:48:37,218
at the Reno Sheriff's Department.

1346
00:48:37,305 --> 00:48:39,525
Like my little friend Benjamin here,

1347
00:48:39,612 --> 00:48:42,789
who grew up right inside the Reno Sheriff's Department.

1348
00:48:42,876 --> 00:48:45,400
Say hi to my little friend Belphegor,

1349
00:48:45,487 --> 00:48:47,446
Demon God of Sloth.

1350
00:48:47,533 --> 00:48:49,143
Hi. Yeah.

1351
00:48:50,928 --> 00:48:52,973
Belphegor, Demon God of Sloth spent

1352
00:48:53,060 --> 00:48:55,323
17 Christmases in a row with us,

1353
00:48:55,410 --> 00:48:59,066
and thanks to your donations, he's...

1354
00:48:59,153 --> 00:49:00,415
totally fine.

1355
00:49:00,502 --> 00:49:02,983
I am also hell's ambassador to France,

1356
00:49:03,070 --> 00:49:05,159
as described by the poet Milton.

1357
00:49:05,246 --> 00:49:06,552
In my spare time,

1358
00:49:06,639 --> 00:49:08,510
I am the tempter of witch hunters

1359
00:49:08,597 --> 00:49:11,078
with the promise of riches and great discoveries

1360
00:49:11,165 --> 00:49:12,645
that will slip through your fingers.

1361
00:49:12,732 --> 00:49:15,213
And he touches everyone's leftovers in the fridge

1362
00:49:15,300 --> 00:49:17,302
to gain power over them. - Touché.

1363
00:49:17,389 --> 00:49:19,565
The hand of Belphegor knows thy dirty deeds.

1364
00:49:23,047 --> 00:49:24,309
Great.

1365
00:49:24,396 --> 00:49:26,267
Mortals, won't you put a little Christmas cheer

1366
00:49:26,354 --> 00:49:27,834
under the tree for the boys and girls

1367
00:49:27,921 --> 00:49:29,662
of the Reno Junior Deputies?

1368
00:49:29,749 --> 00:49:32,012
Just pennies a day could take an unwanted basket case

1369
00:49:32,099 --> 00:49:34,058
and turn them into me

1370
00:49:34,145 --> 00:49:36,408
or my fetching bride, Freckles.

1371
00:49:39,846 --> 00:49:42,240
Hail the Dark Lord.

1372
00:49:43,893 --> 00:49:45,591
Truly amazing mom.

1373
00:49:59,561 --> 00:50:01,389
Well, the state of Nevada is getting sued

1374
00:50:01,476 --> 00:50:04,218
because do-gooders like these ones over here

1375
00:50:04,305 --> 00:50:06,307
have been wishing people Merry Christmas

1376
00:50:06,394 --> 00:50:07,743
on state property.

1377
00:50:07,830 --> 00:50:09,180
You can't do that anymore.

1378
00:50:09,267 --> 00:50:11,530
That is a clear violation of the separation

1379
00:50:11,617 --> 00:50:13,358
of church and state, so we go over there,

1380
00:50:13,445 --> 00:50:14,750
get them to say Merry Christmas,

1381
00:50:14,837 --> 00:50:16,013
and we take them in.

1382
00:50:16,100 --> 00:50:17,536
Check, check, check, check.

1383
00:50:17,623 --> 00:50:19,755
Ow!

1384
00:50:19,842 --> 00:50:21,583
Godspeed, you--shit!

1385
00:50:21,670 --> 00:50:22,889
Unbelievable. Really.

1386
00:50:22,976 --> 00:50:24,369
Break a leg.

1387
00:50:24,456 --> 00:50:25,544
I've got a good backstory for us.

1388
00:50:25,631 --> 00:50:26,893
All right. Oh.

1389
00:50:26,980 --> 00:50:28,634
- Hello. - Hello.

1390
00:50:28,721 --> 00:50:30,027
Hi. Happy holidays.

1391
00:50:30,114 --> 00:50:30,810
- How you doing? - Happy holidays.

1392
00:50:30,897 --> 00:50:32,029
And also with you.

1393
00:50:32,116 --> 00:50:33,291
Thank you so much.

1394
00:50:33,378 --> 00:50:35,467
This is my second husband, Jules.

1395
00:50:35,554 --> 00:50:37,251
We were having an emotional affair,

1396
00:50:37,338 --> 00:50:39,297
and when we decided to take it physical,

1397
00:50:39,384 --> 00:50:41,951
I asked my first husband for a divorce.

1398
00:50:42,039 --> 00:50:44,128
And now we're very happy.

1399
00:50:45,085 --> 00:50:46,260
- Yep. - Yeah.

1400
00:50:46,347 --> 00:50:48,306
Due to our Episcopalian faith,

1401
00:50:48,393 --> 00:50:50,090
we come in at this time of year

1402
00:50:50,177 --> 00:50:52,005
to spend this special day with our kids.

1403
00:50:52,092 --> 00:50:53,441
Right. Specifically the 25th.

1404
00:50:53,528 --> 00:50:55,095
<i>- The celebration. - Yeah.</i>

1405
00:50:55,182 --> 00:50:56,966
- Sure. - So close to winter solstice.

1406
00:50:57,054 --> 00:50:58,403
- Yes. - Right.

1407
00:50:58,490 --> 00:51:00,840
I'll come downstairs dressed up

1408
00:51:00,927 --> 00:51:02,059
like Santa Claus. - Yes.

1409
00:51:02,146 --> 00:51:04,931
And I say, ho, ho, ho!

1410
00:51:05,018 --> 00:51:07,803
both: Happy holidays!

1411
00:51:07,890 --> 00:51:09,240
- No. - Thank you so much.

1412
00:51:09,327 --> 00:51:10,632
Thank you. Thank you.

1413
00:51:10,719 --> 00:51:11,938
Happy holidays.

1414
00:51:12,025 --> 00:51:14,071
- Oh, greetings to you. - Yeah. Yeah.

1415
00:51:14,158 --> 00:51:15,376
<i>This would mean so much to us.</i>

1416
00:51:15,463 --> 00:51:16,943
We both have early-onset Alzheimer's,

1417
00:51:17,030 --> 00:51:19,380
and it can be very upsetting

1418
00:51:19,467 --> 00:51:20,120
when we can't come up with something

1419
00:51:20,207 --> 00:51:22,166
that's so, so obvious.

1420
00:51:22,253 --> 00:51:23,950
- I'll try. - Here we go.

1421
00:51:27,954 --> 00:51:29,347
both:

1422
00:51:29,434 --> 00:51:30,565
No, no, no. But what is it?

1423
00:51:30,652 --> 00:51:32,480
What are the words? - Yeah, what are the words?

1424
00:51:32,567 --> 00:51:33,568
Oh, my gosh, I'm so bad with this.

1425
00:51:33,655 --> 00:51:34,917
Because I actually have dyslexia,

1426
00:51:35,004 --> 00:51:36,354
but for song lyrics.

1427
00:51:36,441 --> 00:51:37,268
So I can't.

1428
00:51:37,355 --> 00:51:38,747
Yeah, I prefer to karaoke.

1429
00:51:38,834 --> 00:51:40,053
I'm the same way. - Yeah.

1430
00:51:40,140 --> 00:51:41,620
Thank you. Happy fourth quarter.

1431
00:51:41,707 --> 00:51:42,664
Season's greetings.

1432
00:51:42,751 --> 00:51:43,752
Fourth quarter?

1433
00:51:43,839 --> 00:51:45,102
Happy holidays.

1434
00:51:45,189 --> 00:51:46,103
What else could you say right now?

1435
00:51:46,190 --> 00:51:48,496
- Hmm. - Uh...

1436
00:51:48,583 --> 00:51:49,758
Um...

1437
00:51:49,845 --> 00:51:51,543
Would wish someone.

1438
00:51:51,630 --> 00:51:52,892
I think I know where you're going with this.

1439
00:51:52,979 --> 00:51:54,198
- Thank you. - Uh-huh.

1440
00:51:54,285 --> 00:51:55,764
<i>Uh-huh. - And I don't know--</i>

1441
00:51:55,851 --> 00:51:58,550
are you talking about the anniversary of the execution

1442
00:51:58,637 --> 00:52:01,335
of Romanian dictator Nicolas Ceausescu?

1443
00:52:01,422 --> 00:52:03,032
In 1989... - Did this happen?

1444
00:52:03,120 --> 00:52:04,208
During the Romanian Revolution,

1445
00:52:04,295 --> 00:52:05,426
on December 25? - You know what?

1446
00:52:05,513 --> 00:52:07,298
I think you two are blameless.

1447
00:52:07,385 --> 00:52:09,213
I'm sorry for taking up your time, ma'am.

1448
00:52:09,300 --> 00:52:10,214
You're doing good work.

1449
00:52:10,301 --> 00:52:11,563
Hey! What did you just say?

1450
00:52:11,650 --> 00:52:13,173
Sorry for taking up your time, ma'am.

1451
00:52:13,260 --> 00:52:15,741
You just gendered me on state property, motherfucker.

1452
00:52:15,828 --> 00:52:16,829
I'm a they!

1453
00:52:18,526 --> 00:52:19,136
Put your hands behind your back.

1454
00:52:19,223 --> 00:52:20,093
OK. Wait a minute. Hold on.

1455
00:52:20,180 --> 00:52:21,399
<i>Oh, come on. Hey. Hey.</i>

1456
00:52:21,486 --> 00:52:22,835
<i>Put your hands behind your back.</i>

1457
00:52:22,922 --> 00:52:24,271
<i>In his defense, he is very old.</i>

1458
00:52:24,358 --> 00:52:25,838
I, for one, am happy to be gendered.

1459
00:52:25,925 --> 00:52:27,448
I am a lady.

1460
00:52:27,535 --> 00:52:29,189
And I'm a big swinging dick man.

1461
00:52:30,495 --> 00:52:31,496
Everything's gonna be OK.

1462
00:52:31,583 --> 00:52:32,932
One, two, three, eyes on me.

1463
00:52:33,019 --> 00:52:34,673
One, two, three, eyes on me. Look at me!

1464
00:52:34,760 --> 00:52:36,022
Look at me! OK.

1465
00:52:36,109 --> 00:52:37,241
Do not freak out!

1466
00:52:37,328 --> 00:52:38,981
Do not freak out on me!

1467
00:52:39,068 --> 00:52:40,244
Everything is going to be fine!

1468
00:52:40,331 --> 00:52:41,941
Things could be worse.

1469
00:52:42,028 --> 00:52:44,030
Have you ever heard of 'Nam?

1470
00:52:44,117 --> 00:52:46,119
I'm not sure what it is.

1471
00:52:46,206 --> 00:52:47,686
But I do know that a lot of old men

1472
00:52:47,773 --> 00:52:50,297
are real pissed about it, so it's like that.

1473
00:52:50,384 --> 00:52:51,994
We're going to keep our shit together,

1474
00:52:52,081 --> 00:52:53,126
and we're not gonna-- see!

1475
00:52:53,213 --> 00:52:55,694
Hello, children. Sir.

1476
00:52:55,781 --> 00:52:58,349
Look, we are so sorry that you guys had to witness

1477
00:52:58,436 --> 00:53:01,526
that lady get run over next to the bus.

1478
00:53:01,613 --> 00:53:03,876
She had an allergic reaction to some chestnuts,

1479
00:53:03,963 --> 00:53:04,790
and she panicked.

1480
00:53:04,877 --> 00:53:06,139
Super weird.

1481
00:53:06,226 --> 00:53:07,706
And the other motorist--

1482
00:53:07,793 --> 00:53:10,578
also dead from the shock of splattering that lady.

1483
00:53:10,665 --> 00:53:12,798
Don't let them look outside. It's bad.

1484
00:53:12,885 --> 00:53:14,321
You got to keep them calm. Keep them calm.

1485
00:53:14,408 --> 00:53:16,280
We got vultures.

1486
00:53:16,367 --> 00:53:17,237
Vultures.

1487
00:53:17,324 --> 00:53:18,586
Code V. Code V. Keep them calm!

1488
00:53:18,673 --> 00:53:20,022
Look at me! Look at me!

1489
00:53:20,109 --> 00:53:21,241
One, two, three, eyes on me.

1490
00:53:21,328 --> 00:53:22,851
One, two, three. They're just birds!

1491
00:53:22,938 --> 00:53:23,896
Everybody loves birds.

1492
00:53:23,983 --> 00:53:25,506
Merry Christmas!

1493
00:53:25,593 --> 00:53:26,420
Merry Christmas! - Hold your attack!

1494
00:53:26,507 --> 00:53:27,465
There's fucking birds.

1495
00:53:27,552 --> 00:53:28,857
Do not look out the window!

1496
00:53:28,944 --> 00:53:29,815
Oh, look what I have!

1497
00:53:29,902 --> 00:53:31,164
Look, look, look!

1498
00:53:34,733 --> 00:53:35,908
There's so much blood! - Guys! Guys! Guys!

1499
00:53:35,995 --> 00:53:37,518
You're acting like you've never seen birds before!

1500
00:53:37,605 --> 00:53:39,216
Why are there so many?

1501
00:53:39,303 --> 00:53:43,089
No one else will die today 'cause Jesus said it's so.

1502
00:53:43,176 --> 00:53:46,440
No one else will die on my watch today!

1503
00:53:46,527 --> 00:53:48,312
Oh, no. No. No, no.

1504
00:53:48,399 --> 00:53:49,313
Stay away from the bus driver.

1505
00:53:49,400 --> 00:53:50,531
Stay away from the bus driver!

1506
00:53:50,618 --> 00:53:52,838
Oh, my God, they're eating her face!

1507
00:54:13,772 --> 00:54:16,035
We have another microwave, actually.

1508
00:54:16,122 --> 00:54:18,385
You guys don't have to use popcorn mode for everything.

1509
00:54:18,472 --> 00:54:19,952
- Ah, yes.

1510
00:54:20,039 --> 00:54:22,259
Defrost, 50% power.

1511
00:54:22,346 --> 00:54:24,913
That's the secret. - 50%.

1512
00:54:25,000 --> 00:54:26,088
Three...

1513
00:54:26,175 --> 00:54:27,568
all: Two, one.

1514
00:54:34,096 --> 00:54:35,315
Oh, my gosh!

1515
00:54:35,402 --> 00:54:37,404
Oh, hey, hey, hey.

1516
00:54:37,491 --> 00:54:38,840
It's a Christmas miracle!

1517
00:54:38,927 --> 00:54:41,756
We have 106 left to do, then.

1518
00:54:41,843 --> 00:54:43,192
- Yeah. - We need more microwave.

1519
00:54:43,280 --> 00:54:44,324
Yeah.

1520
00:54:44,411 --> 00:54:45,543
Great idea.

1521
00:54:47,545 --> 00:54:49,111
Oh!

1522
00:54:49,198 --> 00:54:52,027
Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

1523
00:54:52,114 --> 00:54:53,986
He's OK. He's OK.

1524
00:54:54,073 --> 00:54:55,030
See, he's OK!

1525
00:54:56,684 --> 00:54:57,337
Everything's OK.

1526
00:54:57,424 --> 00:54:58,904
Oh, my God.

1527
00:54:58,991 --> 00:54:59,905
Oh, my God.

1528
00:55:08,305 --> 00:55:10,350
OK. Children, children.

1529
00:55:10,437 --> 00:55:12,309
This is just the cycle of life, all right?

1530
00:55:12,396 --> 00:55:14,093
The vultures are just doing their job

1531
00:55:14,180 --> 00:55:15,442
eating those entrails.

1532
00:55:15,529 --> 00:55:16,313
- Yeah. - All right?

1533
00:55:16,400 --> 00:55:17,488
I strangled a bunch of them,

1534
00:55:17,575 --> 00:55:18,619
and I think I got the alpha.

1535
00:55:18,706 --> 00:55:19,968
So we're going to be OK.

1536
00:55:20,055 --> 00:55:21,143
The alpha's dead, and we should--

1537
00:55:22,319 --> 00:55:23,581
OK. Alpha's still alive.

1538
00:55:23,668 --> 00:55:24,712
Alpha's still in play!

1539
00:55:24,799 --> 00:55:26,497
Alpha's still in play!

1540
00:55:26,584 --> 00:55:27,976
We're not gonna get off the bus,

1541
00:55:28,063 --> 00:55:29,978
'cause we don't want the alpha to kill us, OK?

1542
00:55:30,065 --> 00:55:31,284
Good, children!

1543
00:55:31,371 --> 00:55:33,112
Children! I've got the alpha!

1544
00:55:34,983 --> 00:55:35,984
- Ahh! - Keep your eyes away!

1545
00:55:36,071 --> 00:55:36,942
I think I got him!

1546
00:55:37,029 --> 00:55:38,117
I got him!

1547
00:55:39,248 --> 00:55:41,512
This is part of nature!

1548
00:55:46,821 --> 00:55:49,520
Jim Dangle's Christmas pageant script.

1549
00:55:49,607 --> 00:55:55,264
Um, 190 pages.

1550
00:55:55,352 --> 00:55:57,266
But I got to give it to him, three or four of those pages

1551
00:55:57,354 --> 00:55:58,442
are really, really good.

1552
00:55:58,529 --> 00:56:00,008
Solid.

1553
00:56:00,095 --> 00:56:01,532
Sondheim level.

1554
00:56:04,839 --> 00:56:07,581
Ho, ho, ho!

1555
00:56:08,843 --> 00:56:12,020
Someone order one Christmas miracle,

1556
00:56:12,107 --> 00:56:14,849
shipping and handling included?

1557
00:56:14,936 --> 00:56:16,111
I was so scared!

1558
00:56:16,198 --> 00:56:17,548
Of course you were.

1559
00:56:17,635 --> 00:56:19,506
I had a stroke of genius,

1560
00:56:19,593 --> 00:56:21,726
which I very seldom do.

1561
00:56:21,813 --> 00:56:24,859
These bandits could never get to your semi-precious nugget

1562
00:56:24,946 --> 00:56:27,514
if it's playing a "star"

1563
00:56:27,601 --> 00:56:30,256
ing role in the pageant.

1564
00:56:30,343 --> 00:56:31,300
Did it get Jesus?

1565
00:56:31,388 --> 00:56:32,867
Did my nugget get Jesus?

1566
00:56:32,954 --> 00:56:34,303
I'm obviously playing Jesus.

1567
00:56:34,391 --> 00:56:36,088
Your nugget-- - Is playing--

1568
00:56:36,175 --> 00:56:37,437
A star--

1569
00:56:37,524 --> 00:56:38,656
- The Wise Men-- - ing role.

1570
00:56:38,743 --> 00:56:39,961
All three Wise Men.

1571
00:56:40,048 --> 00:56:42,007
No, that's--the

1572
00:56:42,094 --> 00:56:44,183
The myrrh?

1573
00:56:44,270 --> 00:56:48,448
Mr. Richnickie, your semi-precious nugget

1574
00:56:48,535 --> 00:56:50,407
will be playing...

1575
00:56:50,494 --> 00:56:52,800
the Star of Bethlehem.

1576
00:56:52,887 --> 00:56:54,672
It's going to be right there... - Mm.

1577
00:56:54,759 --> 00:56:57,326
Underneath the entire Reno Sheriff's Department

1578
00:56:57,414 --> 00:57:00,155
as we do our pageant, safe as houses.

1579
00:57:00,242 --> 00:57:02,854
And as soon as it's midnight, you're in the clear.

1580
00:57:02,941 --> 00:57:05,204
Oh!

1581
00:57:05,291 --> 00:57:06,771
It's hidden in plain sight.

1582
00:57:21,873 --> 00:57:23,570
Never get off the bus.

1583
00:57:23,657 --> 00:57:25,050
Never get--

1584
00:57:25,137 --> 00:57:27,052
Oh, my God, I have to talk to children?

1585
00:57:28,749 --> 00:57:30,272
OK. Hi.

1586
00:57:30,359 --> 00:57:31,970
Hi. I got this.

1587
00:57:33,450 --> 00:57:35,147
Hello, children.

1588
00:57:35,234 --> 00:57:37,062
Two cars just collided, and--

1589
00:57:37,149 --> 00:57:38,716
I'm so sorry, I can't lie to children.

1590
00:57:38,803 --> 00:57:40,892
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. - OK, I got this.

1591
00:57:40,979 --> 00:57:44,678
A car collided with a trailer full of petting zoo animals!

1592
00:57:44,765 --> 00:57:46,550
Aw!

1593
00:57:46,637 --> 00:57:47,812
- Aw! - But--but--but

1594
00:57:47,899 --> 00:57:49,640
the good news-- good news is the--

1595
00:57:49,727 --> 00:57:52,425
the screams you hear are not human.

1596
00:57:54,296 --> 00:57:57,517
They're the screams of miniature horses.

1597
00:57:57,604 --> 00:58:00,520
They weren't adult horses, so--

1598
00:58:00,607 --> 00:58:02,783
Could have been worse, see? Could've been worse.

1599
00:58:02,870 --> 00:58:05,699
Oh, God, the horror!

1600
00:58:05,786 --> 00:58:07,396
Also, it's electrified out there.

1601
00:58:07,484 --> 00:58:09,224
The helicopter cut some power lines.

1602
00:58:09,311 --> 00:58:12,097
So be careful, unless you have some rubber-soled shoes.

1603
00:58:12,184 --> 00:58:13,054
Sure.

1604
00:58:13,141 --> 00:58:14,403
Oh, no!

1605
00:58:14,491 --> 00:58:16,231
I hate this job!

1606
00:58:16,318 --> 00:58:18,320
Also could be very slippery.

1607
00:58:18,407 --> 00:58:20,932
- Kenny Rogers. - Kenny Rogers!

1608
00:58:21,019 --> 00:58:23,064
- Kenny Rogers. - Kenny Rogers!

1609
00:58:23,151 --> 00:58:24,979
- Kenny Rogers. - Kenny--uh-oh!

1610
00:58:25,066 --> 00:58:26,459
Oh-ho-ho-ho.

1611
00:58:26,546 --> 00:58:30,419
Born 21 August, 1938, Kenneth Donald Rogers,

1612
00:58:30,507 --> 00:58:32,160
known to his family as Kenny Ray--

1613
00:58:32,247 --> 00:58:33,553
Follow me, sir.

1614
00:58:35,424 --> 00:58:36,643
Come on, Frank.

1615
00:58:38,210 --> 00:58:39,211
That's better.

1616
00:58:39,298 --> 00:58:40,386
We're naked for 36 pages

1617
00:58:40,473 --> 00:58:42,170
at the end of this thing.

1618
00:58:42,257 --> 00:58:43,389
You know, Jim's got himself a pump back there.

1619
00:58:43,476 --> 00:58:44,738
Yeah, he loves that.

1620
00:58:44,825 --> 00:58:46,348
Yeah, he fluffs himself up for it,

1621
00:58:46,435 --> 00:58:48,002
and we've got to go out there just with what we got.

1622
00:58:48,089 --> 00:58:49,656
I don't wanna do this.

1623
00:58:49,743 --> 00:58:52,833
Full disclosure, this does cost $38.

1624
00:58:52,920 --> 00:58:58,273
But behold, I seek only .

1625
00:58:58,360 --> 00:59:01,015
For it is a young--young child.

1626
00:59:01,102 --> 00:59:02,930
<i>Did you have a busy day?</i>

1627
00:59:03,017 --> 00:59:05,237
<i>Are you behind on your holiday shopping?</i>

1628
00:59:05,324 --> 00:59:06,717
<i>Don't worry.</i>

1629
00:59:06,804 --> 00:59:08,588
<i>The Sierra Nugget Mall is now open</i>

1630
00:59:08,675 --> 00:59:10,372
<i>from 8:00 a.m. to 10:00 p.m. daily</i>

1631
00:59:10,459 --> 00:59:11,809
<i>for your holiday shopping needs.</i>

1632
00:59:11,896 --> 00:59:13,941
Places! Rehearsal's on.

1633
00:59:14,028 --> 00:59:15,595
Places for dress rehearsal, everybody.

1634
00:59:15,682 --> 00:59:16,814
Places.

1635
00:59:16,901 --> 00:59:18,163
Places for dress. - Fuck yeah.

1636
00:59:18,250 --> 00:59:19,730
Let's fucking do this shit.

1637
00:59:25,823 --> 00:59:27,172
Places!

1638
00:59:27,259 --> 00:59:28,260
We're here, Jim.

1639
00:59:28,347 --> 00:59:29,522
OK. So we're--

1640
00:59:29,609 --> 00:59:30,784
the orphans aren't in yet.

1641
00:59:30,871 --> 00:59:31,916
Lights are out, lights are out.

1642
00:59:32,003 --> 00:59:33,004
Smoke and mystery.

1643
00:59:33,091 --> 00:59:37,008
5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12.

1644
01:00:01,380 --> 01:00:02,990
Oh!

1645
01:00:12,260 --> 01:00:13,522
That's it.

1646
01:00:16,525 --> 01:00:18,310
That's it, now.

1647
01:00:22,836 --> 01:00:24,011
Yeah.

1648
01:00:32,585 --> 01:00:33,717
Balthazar to center stage. - Yes, yes.

1649
01:00:33,804 --> 01:00:35,414
Yes, Jim. Yep.

1650
01:00:35,501 --> 01:00:36,850
- Little bit scary. - Mm-hmm.

1651
01:00:36,937 --> 01:00:38,112
I don't want to note you to death,

1652
01:00:38,199 --> 01:00:40,811
but the last couple times we did this,

1653
01:00:40,898 --> 01:00:42,160
you were just--you were behind.

1654
01:00:42,247 --> 01:00:43,422
You were late. - I'm a little--I know.

1655
01:00:43,509 --> 01:00:44,641
- Late. - I know, Jim.

1656
01:00:44,728 --> 01:00:46,164
Let's not be late. Ready?

1657
01:00:46,251 --> 01:00:47,731
Can we not embarrass me in front of everyone?

1658
01:00:47,818 --> 01:00:48,732
I don't think I'm embarrassing you

1659
01:00:48,819 --> 01:00:50,168
in front of everyone.

1660
01:00:50,255 --> 01:00:51,082
Am I embarrassing him in front of everyone?

1661
01:00:51,169 --> 01:00:52,126
- Yes. - Yeah, yeah.

1662
01:00:52,213 --> 01:00:53,432
If you want to give me notes,

1663
01:00:53,519 --> 01:00:54,999
you take me behind the Christmas tree.

1664
01:00:55,086 --> 01:00:56,391
- Who's Balthazar? - Me.

1665
01:00:56,478 --> 01:00:57,784
- You are. - Jones.

1666
01:00:57,871 --> 01:00:59,699
Beautiful.

1667
01:00:59,786 --> 01:01:02,267
<i>- Can I have your attention?</i> - Two, three, four--

1668
01:01:02,354 --> 01:01:04,573
<i>- Will the mother of Lupita--</i> - Six, seven, eight, nine.

1669
01:01:04,661 --> 01:01:06,184
<i>Please come to the lost and found?</i>

1670
01:01:07,620 --> 01:01:09,709
Now.

1671
01:01:35,082 --> 01:01:36,518
Three, four.

1672
01:01:36,605 --> 01:01:38,346
Yeah, that's the holidays right there, right?

1673
01:01:47,312 --> 01:01:48,574
That's exactly it.

1674
01:01:54,493 --> 01:01:56,451
And then you're feeling each other's bodies.

1675
01:01:58,802 --> 01:02:01,195
Exploring bodies.

1676
01:02:01,282 --> 01:02:05,199
God, we've been given these beautiful bodies.

1677
01:02:05,286 --> 01:02:07,680
OK, that was one one-thousandth of the energy

1678
01:02:07,767 --> 01:02:09,813
I want on the day, OK?

1679
01:02:09,900 --> 01:02:12,598
Fun family show for the fucking Junior Deputies,

1680
01:02:12,685 --> 01:02:15,775
some of whom are recovering from crack problems, OK?

1681
01:02:15,862 --> 01:02:18,038
Let's pick it up at the-- we've arrived at the manger,

1682
01:02:18,125 --> 01:02:19,692
there's no room, there's no room.

1683
01:02:19,779 --> 01:02:22,260
There's no room in the manger!

1684
01:02:22,347 --> 01:02:23,870
You're not going to do it like that, are you?

1685
01:02:23,957 --> 01:02:25,437
I was.

1686
01:02:25,524 --> 01:02:26,917
Can I see it a little bigger?

1687
01:02:28,701 --> 01:02:31,965
There's no room in the manger.

1688
01:02:32,052 --> 01:02:33,010
See, that's why this is a show.

1689
01:02:33,097 --> 01:02:34,925
That's why this is a show. - That's it.

1690
01:02:59,297 --> 01:03:01,690
Fear not, little goyim.

1691
01:03:01,778 --> 01:03:03,997
Your rescue is at hand.

1692
01:03:05,303 --> 01:03:06,347
Oh.

1693
01:03:08,523 --> 01:03:10,351
Shalom, baby.

1694
01:03:10,438 --> 01:03:13,746
Hatzalah at your service.

1695
01:03:13,833 --> 01:03:17,750
We was, uh, circling in the Black Hawk chopper.

1696
01:03:17,837 --> 01:03:19,970
We saw you were in distress.

1697
01:03:20,057 --> 01:03:22,973
We got here in two shakes of a mule's bottom.

1698
01:03:23,060 --> 01:03:24,365
Thank God you're here!

1699
01:03:24,452 --> 01:03:27,194
We was, uh, doing mitzvahing this week.

1700
01:03:27,281 --> 01:03:29,806
It's best way to celebrate sixth night of Hanukkah.

1701
01:03:29,893 --> 01:03:31,764
Oh, we were also just

1702
01:03:31,851 --> 01:03:33,635
celebrating Hanukkah. - Great.

1703
01:03:33,722 --> 01:03:38,075
How about we tow this bus to wherever it is you're going?

1704
01:03:38,162 --> 01:03:39,772
Oh, thank you!

1705
01:03:39,859 --> 01:03:41,078
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry.

1706
01:03:41,165 --> 01:03:42,383
It's forbidden.

1707
01:03:42,470 --> 01:03:43,558
Thank you, at least, for recognizing

1708
01:03:43,645 --> 01:03:45,734
that I am indeed a female.

1709
01:03:45,822 --> 01:03:47,780
Of course! You are woman.

1710
01:03:47,867 --> 01:03:52,916
You are 100% filthy, disgusting woman

1711
01:03:53,003 --> 01:03:56,354
that I would not schtup through hole in two sheets.

1712
01:03:56,441 --> 01:03:57,921
OK.

1713
01:03:58,008 --> 01:03:59,052
It's been a long day.

1714
01:03:59,139 --> 01:04:00,401
Of course.

1715
01:04:00,488 --> 01:04:03,274
So who wants to be Jewish like Ivanka Trump,

1716
01:04:03,361 --> 01:04:05,102
most beautiful woman in world?

1717
01:04:05,189 --> 01:04:06,755
OK. See me afterwards.

1718
01:04:06,843 --> 01:04:08,235
I have pamphlets.

1719
01:04:08,322 --> 01:04:10,237
- Let's hook you up to tank-- - Yes.

1720
01:04:10,324 --> 01:04:11,543
And get you where you need to go.

1721
01:04:11,630 --> 01:04:13,284
- Yes! - Huh?

1722
01:04:13,371 --> 01:04:16,591
Hatzalah. all: Hatzalah.

1723
01:04:16,678 --> 01:04:18,289
Just the boys. Hatzalah.

1724
01:04:18,376 --> 01:04:20,030
Good. Hatzalah.

1725
01:04:20,117 --> 01:04:21,727
- Just the girls. - No, not the girls.

1726
01:04:21,814 --> 01:04:22,510
- Nope. - alah.

1727
01:04:28,560 --> 01:04:31,737
Even the animals in the barn rejoiced at this--

1728
01:04:31,824 --> 01:04:33,086
Hi, guys. I got the Junior Deputies.

1729
01:04:33,173 --> 01:04:34,827
Everything is totally cool and fine.

1730
01:04:34,914 --> 01:04:36,176
What the hell happened to you?

1731
01:04:36,263 --> 01:04:37,395
Yeah, nothing! Everything's fine.

1732
01:04:37,482 --> 01:04:38,657
I got the Junior Deputies here, safe and sound.

1733
01:04:38,744 --> 01:04:40,006
Everybody's good. Go, go, go!

1734
01:04:40,093 --> 01:04:41,616
You're fine. You're fine. - Go. Great seats.

1735
01:04:41,703 --> 01:04:42,704
Great seats still available. - Everybody's fine.

1736
01:04:42,791 --> 01:04:44,358
Hurry, hurry, hurry.

1737
01:04:44,445 --> 01:04:46,883
Enjoy the greatest story ever told, Junior Deputies.

1738
01:04:46,970 --> 01:04:48,319
- You got to get dressed. - Yes.

1739
01:04:48,406 --> 01:04:49,711
OK. Everything's fine.

1740
01:04:49,798 --> 01:04:51,191
Everything is good. - OK, tighten up.

1741
01:04:51,278 --> 01:04:53,150
We're running about 90 minutes late,

1742
01:04:53,237 --> 01:04:54,238
but that's not going to affect our energy.

1743
01:04:54,325 --> 01:04:55,804
You're not going to believe it!

1744
01:04:55,892 --> 01:05:00,157
We booked Inkeba Bathetois.

1745
01:05:00,244 --> 01:05:02,724
Local meteorologist Inkeba Bathetois?

1746
01:05:02,811 --> 01:05:04,335
Yes, that very one.

1747
01:05:04,422 --> 01:05:06,076
But she can sing, too!

1748
01:05:06,163 --> 01:05:07,251
She's even better at singing than

1749
01:05:07,338 --> 01:05:09,514
she is at predicting cloud stuff!

1750
01:05:09,601 --> 01:05:10,907
Mr. Richnickie, stop talking for two seconds

1751
01:05:10,994 --> 01:05:12,038
before I punch you in the face.

1752
01:05:12,125 --> 01:05:13,910
I just want to make it clear.

1753
01:05:13,997 --> 01:05:15,302
She's going to go-- local meteorologist

1754
01:05:15,389 --> 01:05:18,262
Inkeba Bathetois is going to go on right after us?

1755
01:05:18,349 --> 01:05:20,046
Local meteorologist Inkeba Bathetois,

1756
01:05:20,133 --> 01:05:21,569
and beautiful singer Inkeba Bathetois--

1757
01:05:21,656 --> 01:05:23,006
And Peabody Award winner.

1758
01:05:23,093 --> 01:05:24,442
is going on momentarily.

1759
01:05:24,529 --> 01:05:26,052
And everyone is very excited.

1760
01:05:26,139 --> 01:05:27,793
Also, she told me to tell you not

1761
01:05:27,880 --> 01:05:29,447
to look her directly in the face.

1762
01:05:29,534 --> 01:05:30,927
- Oh, sure. - 'Cause she's very famous

1763
01:05:31,014 --> 01:05:31,971
and does not like that.

1764
01:05:32,058 --> 01:05:33,407
I'm going to go introduce her.

1765
01:05:33,494 --> 01:05:35,279
This is going to be so great! I can't wait!

1766
01:05:35,366 --> 01:05:38,412
Also, your green room is now her assistant's green room,

1767
01:05:38,499 --> 01:05:39,805
so you don't have a green room no more.

1768
01:05:39,892 --> 01:05:41,850
I love you! - Great.

1769
01:05:41,938 --> 01:05:43,504
Don't go in her green room. - I got to focus on the text.

1770
01:05:43,591 --> 01:05:45,506
It's going to be great. Prayer, prayer, prayer.

1771
01:05:45,593 --> 01:05:50,598
Right now, it's Reno Sheriff's Department versus the world.

1772
01:05:50,685 --> 01:05:52,209
The butterflies.

1773
01:05:52,296 --> 01:05:54,298
It's OK to throw up before you go on.

1774
01:05:54,385 --> 01:05:57,127
It might even make you look less bloated.

1775
01:05:57,214 --> 01:05:59,042
I'm not looking at anybody specifically,

1776
01:05:59,129 --> 01:06:00,478
but if you need to throw up before,

1777
01:06:00,565 --> 01:06:04,090
the butterflies are your friend for definition.

1778
01:06:04,177 --> 01:06:09,052
Now, I know there's 150 pages of the script

1779
01:06:09,139 --> 01:06:11,880
we didn't really get to, or talk about, or block.

1780
01:06:11,968 --> 01:06:14,405
But greatest story ever told.

1781
01:06:14,492 --> 01:06:16,015
You're bringing to the Christ child?

1782
01:06:16,102 --> 01:06:17,712
- Myrrh. - And you're bringing?

1783
01:06:17,799 --> 01:06:18,757
I bring gold.

1784
01:06:18,844 --> 01:06:20,193
And Trudy is bringing?

1785
01:06:22,195 --> 01:06:25,155
Well, I think I read the email wrong.

1786
01:06:25,242 --> 01:06:26,460
It's OK.

1787
01:06:26,547 --> 01:06:27,984
I mean, it's kind of the same story.

1788
01:06:28,071 --> 01:06:29,333
Yeah, Jesus came back to life.

1789
01:06:29,420 --> 01:06:31,161
Huddle up. Huddle up, everybody.

1790
01:06:34,164 --> 01:06:35,861
Are we the best actors in the world?

1791
01:06:35,948 --> 01:06:36,731
- Yes. - No.

1792
01:06:36,818 --> 01:06:38,516
Oh.

1793
01:06:38,603 --> 01:06:40,822
Those are literally always British people.

1794
01:06:40,909 --> 01:06:42,563
But I think we got this.

1795
01:06:42,650 --> 01:06:44,826
Ladies and gentlemen,

1796
01:06:44,913 --> 01:06:47,786
local meteorologist

1797
01:06:47,873 --> 01:06:53,313
Inkeba Bathetois!

1798
01:06:53,400 --> 01:06:54,836
Should be going on after us.

1799
01:07:32,396 --> 01:07:34,876
You know, she has a Peabody Award.

1800
01:07:42,754 --> 01:07:43,972
I love you.

1801
01:07:44,060 --> 01:07:46,845
Merry Christmas to all!

1802
01:07:46,932 --> 01:07:48,890
Oh, hang around, folks.

1803
01:07:48,977 --> 01:07:50,805
Some dumb cops are on next.

1804
01:08:07,126 --> 01:08:08,649
Behold.

1805
01:08:08,736 --> 01:08:10,260
Behold.

1806
01:08:10,347 --> 01:08:15,003
Behold, behold, behold the greatest story ever told.

1807
01:08:15,091 --> 01:08:20,748
We now miraculously transform the Sierra Nugget Mall

1808
01:08:20,835 --> 01:08:25,231
to the town of Bethlehem!

1809
01:08:25,318 --> 01:08:31,194
And now, Rome hath commanded that a census be taken.

1810
01:08:31,281 --> 01:08:32,412
And then--I'm skipping ahead--

1811
01:08:32,499 --> 01:08:34,980
Joseph, being from Bethlehem,

1812
01:08:35,067 --> 01:08:37,374
traveled with Mary,

1813
01:08:37,461 --> 01:08:39,289
his betrothed, who was with child.

1814
01:08:39,376 --> 01:08:40,812
And they got to Bethlehem,

1815
01:08:40,899 --> 01:08:42,901
and the guy at the inn was like, we don't--

1816
01:08:42,988 --> 01:08:44,685
we don't have a-- see your reservation.

1817
01:08:44,772 --> 01:08:47,123
And this is exactly what happens

1818
01:08:47,210 --> 01:08:48,689
if you use the booking apps,

1819
01:08:48,776 --> 01:08:50,604
which I'm begging you not to use.

1820
01:08:50,691 --> 01:08:54,434
And Mary, who "wath" great with child,

1821
01:08:54,521 --> 01:08:57,524
had to go have the baby in a trough.

1822
01:08:57,611 --> 01:09:00,136
Just like Ricki Lake in that movie

1823
01:09:00,223 --> 01:09:02,094
whose name escapes me.

1824
01:09:02,181 --> 01:09:04,488
Bethlehem!

1825
01:09:04,575 --> 01:09:06,794
Night!

1826
01:09:06,881 --> 01:09:08,405
Year zero!

1827
01:09:08,492 --> 01:09:11,843
They followed the star.

1828
01:09:11,930 --> 01:09:13,061
Lights, lights, lights, lights, lights, lights,

1829
01:09:13,149 --> 01:09:14,846
lights, lights, lights.

1830
01:09:14,933 --> 01:09:16,543
Places for prologue. Gorgeous, guys.

1831
01:09:16,630 --> 01:09:18,023
We're killing this.

1832
01:10:02,763 --> 01:10:04,722
No!

1833
01:10:04,809 --> 01:10:06,724
My nugget!

1834
01:10:06,811 --> 01:10:08,421
My nugget!

1835
01:10:08,508 --> 01:10:10,206
My beautiful nugget, where did you go?

1836
01:10:10,293 --> 01:10:11,598
- Hey, guys! - No. No.

1837
01:10:11,685 --> 01:10:13,861
The Kenny Rogers exhibit is gone!

1838
01:10:15,515 --> 01:10:17,038
Those bastards!

1839
01:10:17,125 --> 01:10:18,910
The whole mall is mortgaged on that nugget!

1840
01:10:18,997 --> 01:10:20,346
It is my life!

1841
01:10:20,433 --> 01:10:22,392
They went that way!

1842
01:10:22,479 --> 01:10:24,350
Go, go, go, go!

1843
01:10:24,437 --> 01:10:25,699
Sons of bitches!

1844
01:10:28,224 --> 01:10:29,137
We've got to get them home.

1845
01:10:29,225 --> 01:10:30,704
Mm. OK.

1846
01:10:30,791 --> 01:10:33,707
Um, show of hands, who knows how to drive a bus?

1847
01:10:33,794 --> 01:10:35,622
Anyone?

1848
01:10:35,709 --> 01:10:37,102
- Wait! - They're getting away!

1849
01:10:37,189 --> 01:10:38,538
Keep moving, Gunner!

1850
01:10:38,625 --> 01:10:40,410
Put it down! Put it down!

1851
01:10:40,497 --> 01:10:42,325
Cover the exits. Cover the exits.

1852
01:10:42,412 --> 01:10:44,327
In the name of the Reno Sheriff's Department--no, no!

1853
01:10:44,414 --> 01:10:45,937
Don't you do it! Trudy!

1854
01:10:46,024 --> 01:10:47,286
Trudy! Take cover.

1855
01:10:47,373 --> 01:10:48,200
Take cover. Take cover.

1856
01:10:48,287 --> 01:10:50,507
No! - Son of a bitch!

1857
01:10:50,594 --> 01:10:51,899
Go, Rizzo! I got you covered!

1858
01:10:51,986 --> 01:10:52,987
Go, go, go!

1859
01:10:53,074 --> 01:10:55,381
Incoming!

1860
01:10:55,468 --> 01:10:57,470
Retreat, retreat!

1861
01:10:57,557 --> 01:10:59,777
He's got a bone! He's throwing bones!

1862
01:10:59,864 --> 01:11:01,474
Time out. Time out. Time out. Time out.

1863
01:11:01,561 --> 01:11:03,041
Time out.

1864
01:11:03,128 --> 01:11:06,044
What if we do a John McClane Trojan horse?

1865
01:11:06,131 --> 01:11:07,437
Yes. Yes. Yes.

1866
01:11:07,524 --> 01:11:09,482
Sending out unarmed delegate.

1867
01:11:09,569 --> 01:11:11,179
Guys, guys, guys. Unarmed delegate.

1868
01:11:11,267 --> 01:11:12,790
In the name of the Sheriff's Department and Jesus Christ.

1869
01:11:12,877 --> 01:11:15,053
- Truce. - Let's just talk this out, OK?

1870
01:11:15,140 --> 01:11:16,489
- Talk it out. - Let's just talk this out.

1871
01:11:16,576 --> 01:11:17,925
Hands up. Keep your hands up.

1872
01:11:18,012 --> 01:11:19,231
We're gonna just talk this out--Keith, now!

1873
01:11:20,450 --> 01:11:22,452
What the hell?

1874
01:11:22,539 --> 01:11:24,367
In your face!

1875
01:11:24,454 --> 01:11:26,847
Go to hell!

1876
01:11:26,934 --> 01:11:28,849
No!

1877
01:11:30,938 --> 01:11:32,375
I got it!

1878
01:11:34,072 --> 01:11:35,639
- Aww. - Oh.

1879
01:11:35,726 --> 01:11:37,162
Oh, what the hell, man!

1880
01:11:37,249 --> 01:11:38,816
I'm on your side!

1881
01:11:38,903 --> 01:11:40,513
- Let's get out of here. - Oh, my bad, Keith.

1882
01:11:40,600 --> 01:11:41,949
Son of a bitch.

1883
01:11:42,036 --> 01:11:43,211
Sorry, Keith.

1884
01:11:43,299 --> 01:11:44,691
- Oh! Oh. - Hey, hey.

1885
01:11:44,778 --> 01:11:46,519
- What the hell! - Now it's weird.

1886
01:11:46,606 --> 01:11:48,129
Get back. Get back.

1887
01:11:48,216 --> 01:11:49,392
Hey! - Hey!

1888
01:11:49,479 --> 01:11:51,089
You guys! You guys! You guys!

1889
01:11:51,176 --> 01:11:52,264
Wait, wait, wait!

1890
01:11:52,351 --> 01:11:54,527
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

1891
01:11:54,614 --> 01:11:55,876
It's locked.

1892
01:11:55,963 --> 01:11:57,051
Security!

1893
01:11:57,138 --> 01:11:58,966
Security! - Help!

1894
01:11:59,053 --> 01:12:00,751
OK, kids. Look.

1895
01:12:00,838 --> 01:12:03,449
We are right in the middle of a heist.

1896
01:12:03,536 --> 01:12:06,104
As long as you have a buddy,

1897
01:12:06,191 --> 01:12:09,237
you are safe to wander out in the night.

1898
01:12:11,414 --> 01:12:13,372
Ceviche, you drop that nugget!

1899
01:12:14,634 --> 01:12:16,201
All right.

1900
01:12:16,288 --> 01:12:18,029
I'll drop it.

1901
01:12:18,116 --> 01:12:21,249
Get a little taste of the Texas tank!

1902
01:12:21,337 --> 01:12:22,250
Hyah!

1903
01:12:25,428 --> 01:12:26,733
No.

1904
01:12:26,820 --> 01:12:28,779
It was an honest mistake.

1905
01:12:28,866 --> 01:12:30,041
It could have happened to anybody!

1906
01:12:37,135 --> 01:12:39,137
Phew!

1907
01:12:40,965 --> 01:12:42,749
I'm going to run!

1908
01:12:42,836 --> 01:12:44,664
Get out of here!

1909
01:12:45,970 --> 01:12:47,145
I'm blanking on your name.

1910
01:12:47,232 --> 01:12:48,668
Um... Kimball.

1911
01:12:48,755 --> 01:12:50,061
Oh, God. - I got it.

1912
01:12:50,148 --> 01:12:51,541
I got it. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.

1913
01:12:51,628 --> 01:12:52,933
He ain't coming through here.

1914
01:12:54,457 --> 01:12:55,806
Oh!

1915
01:12:55,893 --> 01:12:57,329
- Watch out, buddy. - Toss me the nugget.

1916
01:12:57,416 --> 01:12:58,722
Don't do it!

1917
01:12:58,809 --> 01:13:00,419
Toss me the nugget and this ends right now!

1918
01:13:00,506 --> 01:13:03,770
You want it so bad, catch.

1919
01:13:16,479 --> 01:13:18,437
Oh!

1920
01:13:23,181 --> 01:13:24,225
Hold 'em or fold 'em?

1921
01:13:24,312 --> 01:13:26,010
Let's play a little bit.

1922
01:13:26,097 --> 01:13:27,272
Come on, now.

1923
01:13:27,359 --> 01:13:29,013
Yah!

1924
01:13:29,100 --> 01:13:30,710
- Hold 'em! - Fold 'em!

1925
01:13:30,797 --> 01:13:31,972
- Hold 'em! - Fold 'em!

1926
01:13:32,059 --> 01:13:33,104
Oh, it hurts so bad.

1927
01:13:33,191 --> 01:13:34,192
Oh, it hurts so bad.

1928
01:13:34,279 --> 01:13:36,542
I fold 'em!

1929
01:13:36,629 --> 01:13:38,370
There you are.

1930
01:13:38,457 --> 01:13:40,067
- You hold 'em? - I fold 'em.

1931
01:13:40,154 --> 01:13:41,242
Fold 'em!

1932
01:13:45,159 --> 01:13:46,944
It was a pleasure to kick your ass.

1933
01:13:47,031 --> 01:13:48,032
Let's go, buddy.

1934
01:13:48,119 --> 01:13:49,381
Oh, look what I found.

1935
01:13:52,689 --> 01:13:53,777
Dangle!

1936
01:13:53,864 --> 01:13:55,953
What have they done to you?

1937
01:13:56,040 --> 01:13:57,607
I'm sorry, I forgot your name for a bit.

1938
01:13:57,694 --> 01:13:59,043
I'm sorry. - It's all right. It's Kimball.

1939
01:13:59,130 --> 01:14:00,174
- I'm so sorry. - My name's Kimball.

1940
01:14:00,261 --> 01:14:01,175
Oh, we got away with it.

1941
01:14:01,262 --> 01:14:02,220
Smooth, baby, smooth!

1942
01:14:02,307 --> 01:14:03,961
We got away with it.

1943
01:14:04,048 --> 01:14:05,441
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

1944
01:14:05,528 --> 01:14:06,529
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

1945
01:14:06,616 --> 01:14:07,747
Wait. Wait.

1946
01:14:07,834 --> 01:14:09,140
Looking for your gun, Dangle?

1947
01:14:09,227 --> 01:14:10,489
It's in the truck, with all the rest.

1948
01:14:10,576 --> 01:14:11,664
Ho, ho.

1949
01:14:11,751 --> 01:14:13,013
Yes, we do this all the time.

1950
01:14:13,100 --> 01:14:14,580
That's right.

1951
01:14:14,667 --> 01:14:17,322
We go to a mall with a box of Kenny Rogers' bones,

1952
01:14:17,409 --> 01:14:18,889
and we hide in plain sight.

1953
01:14:18,976 --> 01:14:20,499
We go completely unnoticed,

1954
01:14:20,586 --> 01:14:22,022
and we steal all the best shit.

1955
01:14:22,109 --> 01:14:23,197
Yeah.

1956
01:14:23,284 --> 01:14:25,417
It's the perfect crime.

1957
01:14:25,504 --> 01:14:26,418
Is it, though?

1958
01:14:26,505 --> 01:14:27,854
Kind of.

1959
01:14:27,941 --> 01:14:29,856
Anyways, we're about to do it again in Carson.

1960
01:14:29,943 --> 01:14:30,988
That's right.

1961
01:14:31,075 --> 01:14:32,729
'Cause they got a Le Creuset.

1962
01:14:32,816 --> 01:14:34,426
- Oh! - Oh!

1963
01:14:34,513 --> 01:14:36,689
- What's that? - Let's go, brother!

1964
01:14:36,776 --> 01:14:39,257
Move out. Move out.

1965
01:14:39,344 --> 01:14:41,302
What the hell is going--

1966
01:14:41,389 --> 01:14:42,652
Look!

1967
01:14:42,739 --> 01:14:44,392
- Oh! - Whoo!

1968
01:14:52,705 --> 01:14:54,707
Hatzolah, everybody!

1969
01:14:54,794 --> 01:14:57,318
Oh, of course!

1970
01:14:57,405 --> 01:14:59,146
Oh.

1971
01:14:59,233 --> 01:15:00,365
Don't worry about these guys.

1972
01:15:00,452 --> 01:15:01,975
They're not going anywhere.

1973
01:15:02,062 --> 01:15:03,977
We got them hooked up to the Mitzvah Mobile.

1974
01:15:04,064 --> 01:15:06,284
- Wow! - He's got this.

1975
01:15:06,371 --> 01:15:07,851
He's got this. Great.

1976
01:15:07,938 --> 01:15:09,635
Time for a little disco dance, huh?

1977
01:15:11,463 --> 01:15:14,118
What would Christmas even be without some cool Jewish guy

1978
01:15:14,205 --> 01:15:16,120
showing up to save some folks, huh?

1979
01:15:16,207 --> 01:15:17,904
Oh!

1980
01:15:17,991 --> 01:15:20,385
Only guy whose sideburns I like better than mine.

1981
01:15:20,472 --> 01:15:23,301
Hey, game recognize game.

1982
01:15:23,388 --> 01:15:25,346
It really was almost the perfect crime.

1983
01:15:25,433 --> 01:15:27,479
But--but really-- was it really the--

1984
01:15:27,566 --> 01:15:28,915
it was the perfect crime.

1985
01:15:29,002 --> 01:15:30,395
It was the perfect-- I mean, it was pretty--

1986
01:15:30,482 --> 01:15:32,615
They made one mistake.

1987
01:15:32,702 --> 01:15:36,619
The Jews had no better friend than Mr. Kenny Rogers.

1988
01:15:36,706 --> 01:15:38,664
And when you mess with Kenny Rogers,

1989
01:15:38,751 --> 01:15:41,798
you mess with the entire state of Israel.

1990
01:15:41,885 --> 01:15:45,628
Mr. Kenny Rogers negotiated a secret treaty

1991
01:15:45,715 --> 01:15:48,326
between Menachem Begin... - Mm-hmm.

1992
01:15:48,413 --> 01:15:50,328
- And Yasser Arafat. - Wow.

1993
01:15:52,156 --> 01:15:53,244
Someone's got to get that on his Wikipedia,

1994
01:15:53,331 --> 01:15:54,898
'cause that's huge.

1995
01:15:54,985 --> 01:15:56,552
We're going to take these guys to the tank,

1996
01:15:56,639 --> 01:15:58,641
ask them some questions, shoot them in the head.

1997
01:15:58,728 --> 01:16:00,251
Uh--uh--

1998
01:16:00,338 --> 01:16:04,821
I think in the spirit of the sixth night of Hanukkah...

1999
01:16:04,908 --> 01:16:06,779
we'll just book them, huh?

2000
01:16:06,866 --> 01:16:08,564
You--you're-- you're working,

2001
01:16:08,651 --> 01:16:10,391
uh, Jewish guilt onto me, now.

2002
01:16:11,741 --> 01:16:13,351
We let them--we let them live.

2003
01:16:13,438 --> 01:16:15,919
Hey, doesn't mean you can't hook some jumper cables up

2004
01:16:16,006 --> 01:16:17,268
to their nipples, huh?

2005
01:16:17,355 --> 01:16:18,356
Hey, were you in Mossad?

2006
01:16:18,443 --> 01:16:19,879
Because this is great idea.

2007
01:16:19,966 --> 01:16:21,925
Or what about stick some stuff up their butts?

2008
01:16:22,012 --> 01:16:23,666
Best sixth night of Hanukkah--

2009
01:16:23,753 --> 01:16:24,841
- Ever. - Ever?

2010
01:16:24,928 --> 01:16:26,625
- That we've ever had. - I guess.

2011
01:16:26,712 --> 01:16:29,454
Well, I think Mr. Richnickie is going to be still a bummer.

2012
01:16:29,541 --> 01:16:30,847
But let's get it back to him, shall we?

2013
01:16:30,934 --> 01:16:31,978
He loves that nugget.

2014
01:16:32,065 --> 01:16:33,545
He might have killed himself.

2015
01:16:33,632 --> 01:16:35,068
I--I--in a weird way, I was kind of hoping

2016
01:16:35,155 --> 01:16:36,461
that was the outcome.

2017
01:17:23,334 --> 01:17:25,118
Why are you crying, Jim Dangle?

2018
01:17:25,205 --> 01:17:27,077
Terry told me that every time a bell rings,

2019
01:17:27,164 --> 01:17:29,209
he's giving somebody a tug job.

2020
01:17:29,296 --> 01:17:30,471
And that made me very sad.

2021
01:17:30,558 --> 01:17:31,777
Aww.

2022
01:17:33,953 --> 01:17:35,520
No, Jim Dangle.

2023
01:17:35,607 --> 01:17:37,870
I said every time a bell rings,

2024
01:17:37,957 --> 01:17:40,612
nobody should pee on me.

2025
01:17:40,699 --> 01:17:42,788
I hope that nobody pees

2026
01:17:42,875 --> 01:17:44,703
on all of us this Christmas.

2027
01:17:44,790 --> 01:17:45,791
Oh, look, you guys.

2028
01:17:45,878 --> 01:17:46,923
Our dove.

2029
01:17:47,010 --> 01:17:48,968
It's still alive. - Yay.

2030
01:17:49,055 --> 01:17:50,230
I'll get it.

2031
01:17:50,317 --> 01:17:51,623
Oh.

2032
01:18:11,034 --> 01:18:12,470
We did a search, and it turns out

2033
01:18:12,557 --> 01:18:14,124
that a 50-pound silver nugget

2034
01:18:14,211 --> 01:18:17,518
is worth $14,621.

2035
01:18:17,605 --> 01:18:19,085
Still a lot of money.

2036
01:18:19,172 --> 01:18:20,957
That's, like, a good used car.